faith | hope | trick ... quotes: BTVS S6/Ep16 (116)

Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S6/Ep16 (116)
"Hell's Bells"

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Willow: Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy. Look at its arms! Buffy: I know. But it's my duty. Buffy: I'm...Buffy the bridesmaid. Willow: Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all...Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number? Buffy: No. Willow: Oh. Buffy: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom.
Willow: Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional...blood larva and burlap. I mean, she was a, a vengeance demon for like a thousand years, she would know all the most flattering...larvae.
Buffy: I think she's probably too stressed to be thinking right now. What with Xander's relatives and her...demons. Willow: Oh my god, last night, that rehearsal dinner. That was like a, a zoo without the table manners. And I bet it got worse after we left. Buffy: I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folk. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he supposed to be? Inky the Squid Boy? Willow: And Xander's family. I haven't seen them that bad since my bat mitzvah. Ugh, did you see how much they drank? Buffy: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.
Anya: Oh! Ohh...You guys look so beautiful! This is the happiest day of my whole life!
Xander: You seen my cuff-links, Uncle Rory? Little metal deals, hold my sleeves together? Uncle Rory: Ah, you don't want those. What you really want is Velcro. Did I ever tell you how that was my idea?
Krelvin: Oh, is, is that broken? You want me to take a look at that? Uncle Rory: Knock yourself out there, Kevin. Krelvin: Uh, it's, uh, Krelvin. Uncle Rory: Right, right. Krelvin.
Mr. Harris: Xander, you're not ready yet? Mrs. Harris: Look at my hair. Of course, I suppose it doesn't really matter, 'cause I won't actually be in any of the pictures. Xander: You'll be in the pictures, Mom. Krelvin: I think your hair looks lovely. Mrs. Harris: Oh.
Xander: Hey, hey, how's about some breakfast? Mrs. Harris: Oh, well, I guess if I'm a little plump it doesn't matter, since I won't really be- Xander: You'll be in the pictures, Mom!
Mr. Harris: That's one of hers, right? Hey. You're one of hers, right? Xander: You met Krelvin already, Dad. Last night. Krelvin: Yeah. Yeah, uh, we met. You, uh, you said I resembled your mother-in-law. Mrs. Harris: Tony! Mr. Harris: Oh, yeah. Krelvin: And then, you hit me with a cocktail wiener, and then you insulted my heritage. Mr. Harris: Heritage? Being circus folks is suddenly heritage now? I mean no disrespect, of course. I'm sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks.
Cousin Carol: You know that guy Kevin? If he could clear up the skin problem...do you think...Do you suppose he'd date a woman with a kid? I mean, I really can't afford to be very picky. Xander: Cousin Carol? Your earrings are my cufflinks. Cousin Carol: They are? Oh my. Oops.
Xander: Is it too small? Buffy: Nah. Xander: It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now? Buffy: It'll fit. Xander: Aw, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund, and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt? Buffy, that can NOT happen. I must wear that cummerbund! Buffy: And so...you...shall!
Xander: Hey, you got it! Buffy: Slayer strength.
Xander: And I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen. Buffy: Look at you. You look great, Mr. About-To-Get-Married. Glowing. Oh my god! Maybe you're pregnant! Xander: Maybe. I dunno. Maybe I'm just happy...Teary. Buffy: Oh! Good. Good teary. Xander: Happy teary? Not frustrated with bow-tie teary? Buffy: Yes. Happy. Happy for you. That makes me happy for me. You and Anya give me hope. It's like... you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel.
Anya: I need feedback, people. Tara: Sorry. Please continue with the vows. Anya: "I, Anya, promise to...love you, to cherish you, to honor you, uh, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something? However, I do entrust you with..." What? Is something funny? Tara: No, n-nothing, sweetie, just, just keep still. Anya: Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic. Blah, blah, "I do however entrust you...um, with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too. I'll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray." Wait, no. "Like a, a little mangy stray that needs a home." No, that's not it either.
Willow: Wow. You look lovely. Really...lovely. Anya: Thanks. It's probably the blush of imprudent spending. Do you think Xander will like it? Oh, I want to see Xander now! Willow: You can't. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress, remember? Anya: Right. I can't keep all these ridiculous traditions straight. What if I'm not wearing my dress when I see him? Okay, no sex. Cuddling? Okay. It's just I'm so excited and I want to share it all with my best friend. I get to be with my best friend forever! Yay!
D'Hoffryn: Ah. Hymen's greetings. Dawn: Hy - what? D'Hoffryn: Hymen, the God of Matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline. Dawn: Cool. D'Hoffryn: I brought a gift. I suppose there's a table.
Dawn: Oh, uh...Halfrek. Hello. Halfrek: Oh, please! Call me Hallie, we're practically family now. Dawn: Hmm. Neat. I can put this on the table for you. D'Hoffryn: Thank you. Uh, careful, it's, uh- Dawn: Fragile? D'Hoffryn: Squirmy.
Halfrek: So, Dawnie, how's everything? Going good? Nothing you, uh, nothing you wish was different.? D'Hoffryn: Hallie, for Yekk's sake, take a day off. We're not here to do vengeance, we're here to mingle.
Dawn: Spike! Spike: Oh. Uh, I want you to meet my date. Dawn: Hi. I'm Dawn. Skanky Goth Girl: Uh-huh. Spike: So, yeah. Anyway, that's my date. She's with me. My date for the wedding. Dawn: Yeah. Okay, well, nice meeting you.
Cousin Carol: So, circus folk. What's that like? Uncle Rory: Uh, your friend, uh, the, the fellow with the warts, went off on his circus "heritage" like you folks are all in some kind of cult or something. Clem: Well, there are ancient ways. Clowning, as an occupation, grew out of the commedia del'arte, and, uh, ancient sports, of course. Uncle Rory: Yeah, well, the thing is, if you expect Xander to bring up his kids in some kinda foreign-speaky bow-to-the-easty kinda cult- Tentacle Demon: So you think the children should be raised in ignorance of our ways? Cousin Carol: No! No, the Harrises are very broad-minded. We're Episcopalians.
Mr. Harris: 'Til death do us part. That's what cracks me up. Hit me again, barkeep.
Xander: How do I look? Buffy: Well, let's see. (looking him slowly up from feet to head) Found your shoes...your fly's zipped. I'd say you look like you're ready to get married.
Buffy: You're one of the decent ones, Xander. I hope I'm as lucky as you guys someday. Xander: You wanna get lucky? I've still got, what, fifteen, twenty minutes?
Xander: Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number one? Buffy: Don't let your dad near the bar. Xander: Check. Number two? Buffy: Don't let your mom near the bar. Xander: Check.
Dawn: Spike's here and he brought a total skank. Buffy: A- Dawn: Skank! A manic-panicked freak who he's like totally macking with right in the middle of the room. I saw him shove his tongue- Buffy:: Spike brought a date? Dawn: Yeah. Wait till you see her.
Old Man: Excuse me. Uncle Rory: Say Neph, do you know where the photographer is? I've got a proposition for him- Old Man: Please, I really need to talk to you. Dawn: Xander? Mrs. Harris: Honey, listen to me. Dawn: Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose! Xander: Got loose? Mrs. Harris: It's fine- Dawn: Yeah, it's a fully live squiggily thingy and hey, and why is Halfrek a bridesmaid? Old Man: Please, please, you have to listen. (pulls Xander away) You have to listen to me!
Old Man: You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake. Xander: Yeah right, thanks for the advice, Uncle...help me here? Old Man: Uncle? You don't recognize me, do you? Xander: I'm sorry, I don't- Old Man: It sounds crazy, I know. But you have to believe me. I'm Xander Harris. I'm you.
Xander: What do you mean, you're me? Old Man: I'm you. I'm you from the future. Xander: Oh, from the future! For a minute I thought you were a nutball but now that you're from the future- Old Man: Please, listen to me. I found a way back to warn you. To tell you- Xander: Hey, hey, easy, easy. Everything's going to be all right.
Mr. Harris: ...and to my wife, Jessica. Where are you, honey? There she is. To my wife. What would I do without you, beautiful? Wellllllll, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would I? On the brighter side, marriage has probably saved me from a nasty dose of the clap. Here's to ya.
Clem: Does this jerk ever shut up? Tentacle Demon: He's starting to make my suckers twitch. Mr. Harris: And a toast ... to the bride's dermatologically-challenged family shrub. Tentacle Demon: Sit down! Mr. Harris: Hey, I paid for all this! You want me to sit down, you cough up a couple of grand, Squidly.
Buffy: You must be so happy for Xander on his very special, once-in-a-lifetime day, huh, Mr. Harris? Mr Harris: Nice chassis, what's under the hood? Rrowr! Buffy: You know, I could use a strong cup of coffee. Hey, let's get you one too, what do you say?
Mr Harris: Did you used to own a little square pinkish purse? Buffy: I did. Mr Harris: I thought so. Hey, what do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my- Buffy: You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.
Xander: What is it? Old Man: It's magic.
Xander: Anya. Anya! Sarah: Get the hell away from me! Dad, Josh is teasing me. Josh: Sarah's a weirdo! Sarah's a weirdo! Anya: What. Xander: You going out again? Anya: I'm doing a make-over party. Xander: I thought you hated those. Anya: Well, one of us has to make some money. Xander: Well, what do you want me to do, Anya? Huh? I can't work. My back is shot. Anya: And whose fault is that? Xander: Oh, no no no. Not the Buffy thing again. Anya: You had no business fighting demons with her. Xander: Buffy needed me. I had to help. Anya: Well, it didn't save her, did it? All it did was ruin our lives.
Anya: I'll be late. Xander: I hope you crash in your stupid pink car!
Sarah: I hate this place. You guys know I don't eat wheat. Josh: You don't eat anything, freak. Sarah: At least I'm not a mama's boy. Josh: At least I'm not a demonic freak. Sarah: Dad, make him cut it! Xander: Maybe you should talk to your mother about that. Anya: You've had too much wine. Xander: Have I? I'm just saying maybe you should talk to your daughter! Sarah: Ohh, I hate you guys! And I know that you're not my real dad, and I hate you, I hate you both! I wish you'd die!
Xander: If you were so unhappy, why didn't you just leave? Anya: I wanted to. I should have! Xander: Yeah, you should have. 'Cause then maybe I would have gotten some touch in the past twenty years. Anya: I wasn't the one who stopped touching! Xander: Oh! Maybe, but you weren't touching me!
Anya: What did you expect me to do? You wouldn't come near me after Buffy- Xander: Don't bring her into this! Anya: Fine. Forget her. Maybe you were just born to be a bitter, angry old man. Xander: Shut up. Anya: No! I want my life back! If I hadn't married you I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last THIRTY YEARS! Xander: SHUT UP!
Old Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't want to show you. Xander: What happened? What was that? Old Man: A glimpse of your future. Harnessed ... by magic. Xander: Is she okay? Is she okay, what did I do?! Old Man: Listen. I don't have long here. The spell that brought me back, it won't last. But you can change things. It doesn't have to go like this. But you can't marry Anya. Xander: But- Old Man: You'll hurt her less today than you will later. Believe me. Sometimes, two people...all they bring each other...is pain.
Spike: Hello, Buffy. Buffy: Hey. Spike: It's a happy occasion. You meet my friend? Buffy: No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous. Spike: Is it working? Buffy: A little. It doesn't change anything...but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts. Spike: I'm sorry. Or, Good!
Spike: You want us to go? Buffy: No. No, I ... you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve- Spike: That's not true, you...God, this is hard. Buffy: Yeah. Spike: I think we'll go. Buffy: Go where? To your place? Spike: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea. Buffy: Yeah. Spike: Evil. Buffy: Of course. Spike: But I won't. Or I...I'll just go. Give 'em my best or whatever. The happy couple.
Spike: It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh...you glow. Buffy: That's because the dress is radioactive.
Buffy: I should... Spike: Yeah. But it hurts? Buffy: Yeah. Spike: Thanks.
Willow: I'll say this for the Y chromosome...looks good in a tux. Xander: Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either. Willow: You're getting married. My little Xander. Xander: All growed up. Willow: It's a good thing I realized I was gay, otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear...
Willow: Do you know how much I love you? Xander: Mmm...'bout half as much as I love you.
Willow: You ready for the long walk? Xander: Um...yeah, just give me a sec, I wanna work on my vows. Willow: Take your time. It's not like we can start the wedding without you.
Anya: "I, Anya, promise to cherish you..." Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, "I promise....to have sex with you whenever I want, and, uh...uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle..." Tara: Uh, sex poodle? Anya: Yeah, why? Tara: Um, I'm not sure you should say "sex poodle" in your vows. Anya: Huh.
Anya: Music. They're playing the music! This is it. Buffy: Are you ready to go? Willow: He's gone. Xander disappeared!
Buffy: Uh, heh, sorry about that. Um...there's just gonna be a little bit of a delay. Anya: Why? What's wrong? Buffy: Nothing! Nothing's wrong, it's just, um, it, the, the, minister. He had, uh to go and perform an emergency C-section. Anya: A C-section? Buffy: Yeah! You know, he's, uh, not, not just a minister, he's also a, a doctor. You know, he's half-minister, half-doctor, he's a-a mini-tor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur! Because he's all, you know, man, this doctor minister man, no, no bull parts whatsoever. Anya: Uh-huh. Buffy: So it, it should just be a couple of minutes. Anya: Okay.
Anya: Okay. For the last time. "I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because...I love you and I'll always love you. And... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really...and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was...hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and...you knew me. You saw me, and it was this...thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do."
Karen: I'm bored. Cousin Carol: It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored.
Anya: I mean, I am sorry, but what the hell is that minister thinking? Tara: Uh, I don't know, he- Anya: I mean, delivering a baby! On my special day! I mean, it's totally rude of him and the mother. I mean, why couldn't he have just told her to hold it?
Mr. Harris: Gimme a double Jack. Mrs. Harris: This is a disaster. Mr. Harris: It's that Anya, I know it. She made us pay for the whole thing and now she's going to louse it up. Women! Mrs. Harris: I offered to help. She didn't want my help.
Halfrek: This thing totally isn't happening. We should have known that she would never, ever- D'Hoffryn: I'm worried about Anya. Halfrek: Oh, sure. Of course you are. D'Hoffryn: Oh, Halfrek. You know I love all my demons equally.
Demon Teen: My family is worse. Dawn: No way. Mine is so messed up you have no idea. Demon Teen: No, just wait until you see my mom dance at the reception, okay, and then tellme who's messed up. Dawn: I guess they're all messed up. Demon Teen: Yeah. Everybody's pretty lame.
Tara: Anya, wait up! Anya: This bride waits for no one. If the minister's not here yet, well then we'll just have to get married without a minister.
Demon Teen: Geez. What is the holdup? Dawn: Can you keep a secret? Nobody knows this, but the groom? He took off and no one can find him. Anya: What?
Anya: Xander's gone? Xander is missing? What do you mean Xander's missing?!
Tentacle Demon: Why don't you have another drink? Mr. Harris: Drinking...is the only way I can dull the pain...of looking at your ugly face. Tentacle Demon: You better think real hard about this, Harris. Mr. Harris: Don't touch me with those nasty circus things! Tentacle Demon: That's it!
Anya: You. You were talking to Xander right before he left. What did he say to you? What did you say to him? Old Man: Really doesn't matter now, does it? It's done. Anya: What's done? Did you... If you said something to make him leave... Old Man: You'll what? Haven't changed a bit. Still as vindictive as ever. Anya: Do I know you? Old Man: You don't recognize me, Anya? I'm not the man I used to be. I know.
Anya: Tell me what you did with Xander. What are you? Demon: You did this. You brought this on. I've waited a long time for this, Anyanka. Anya: Who are you? Demon: Remember Chicago? South Side, 1914?
Demon: Stewart Burns. Philanderer! You'd think you'd remember. I remember you. But then again, you ruined my life. Anya: You were a...I punished you. Demon: That's right. Some hussy I'd been taking around summons you, next thing I know, I look like this and I'm being tortured in another dimension. Anya: I forgot. Demon: Well, I didn't.
Demon: Every day I remembered...and every day I thought how I would somehow get here, and ruin your life like you ruined mine. It didn't take much either. I scared off your fiance with a couple of phony visions. Anya: Visions of what? Demon: Your future. Or his nightmare vision of your future. Anya: That's it? That's all you did? Demon: Yeah, it was easy. Look at that, you're crying. Oh, I like that.
Demon: Oh, cry, Anyanka, cry. I love to see you cry. And now, I'd love to see you scream.
Anya: I'm so ... I'm so glad you're here. It was all lies, what he showed you...it wasn't true, he just wanted to break us up. Xander: It doesn't matter now. Anya: So we'll be okay.
Xander: It's dead. Buffy: Yup.
Willow: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.
Mr. Harris: Look at this damage. I'm not paying for this, you freaks! Krelvin: Stop calling us freaks! Mr. Harris: Oh no! No, not again! No! Anya: Stop It! Everyone sit down! This wedding will go on, so get back in your seats!
Anya: You know, it's bad luck to see me in my dress. Hey. It's okay. It's all over now, he's dead, and it was just smoke and mirrors. Xander: I know. Anya: So...we're ready now. Let's get married. Xander: I...I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't, Ahn, I'm sorry. Anya: But it wa–it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real. Xander: I know it wasn't real. But it could be.
Anya: What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander. Xander: It wasn't you. It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts, and...fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast. Anya: Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural, it doesn't mean that, that getting married is wrong. Xander: I know, I know... Anya: Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay? Xander: We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and...I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
Dawn: Should we do something for her? Anything? Willow: She wants to be alone. That's what she wants. Oh, god, it just hurts my heart to think of her. Buffy: I know. The whole thing hurts my heart. Dawn: I thought they were happy. Buffy: They were. I know they were. They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train. Dawn: Why did this happen? Willow: I don't know. I feel like I should be hating Xander. But I can't. I just...I just hope he's okay. Dawn: I wonder where he is.
D'Hoffryn: Are you okay? Anya: I'm tired...of crying. I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn. D'Hoffryn: Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. But you let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best...don't you think?
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