faith | hope | trick ... quotes: BTVS S6/Ep12 (112)

Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S6/Ep12 (112)
"Doublemeat Palace"

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Xander: Now I get Warren being the supervillainy type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I never even heard of this other guy. Willow: You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat.
Willow: Yeah, well, she went in, and then- Anya: Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's gonna be late for her first day. Willow: Hey, respect the narrative flow much? Anya: Please continue the story of failure. Willow: So, Buffy went in, but they'd cleared out. And she brought back the stuff that they left... spell books, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects, and a conjurer's harp... A-and they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on "Enterprise." Xander: Ooh! I mean...nerds.
Anya: Okay. See, this is why demons are better than people. Willow: Interesting turn. Anya: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately. Xander: Welcome to today's episode of "Go Money Go!" I hear it daily. Willow: Yep, for the rest of your life.
Anya: But supervillains...want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America. Buffy: Good to know...I was kinda feelin' like a tool. And now I know why.
Video Narrator: You've seen us in your city or small town across the American West. You've ordered our delicious food from our happy employees! But now you're seeing it all from a different way, you're seeing it from behind the counter! Because you've just become part of the DoubleMeat experience! Boy: I'm part of it! *Woman:* I'm part of it! Man: I'm a part of it too! Video Narrator: This cow and this chicken don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well!
Manny: Interesting, isn't it? Buffy: Oh yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if, if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.
Manny: I'm Manny the manager. It's not a joke, it's just my name. Buffy: Right. Y-you mentioned that a couple of times when I filled out the application. Manny: Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman, and there are a lot of other jobs. Buffy: Well, I-I kinda need money pretty quickly, like, today, and, and so I didn't want to go through a lengthy interview process, and I figured this was probably the fastest...way...to...Because I...wanted to be part of the DoubleMeat experience?
Manny: You can use this one. Buffy: Uh...there's, there's someone's stuff in there. Manny: They must have left it. You can toss it, or keep what you want. Buffy: Sure they're not coming back? Manny: We have a lot of turnover here.
Manny: Watch these two. Buffy: Are they gonna do something? Manny: They're solid. Follow their example and you won't go wrong.
Manny: Congratulations. You're on the clock.
Manny: This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the DoubleMeat Palace. Buffy: Wow. They're all so...identical. Manny: Yeah. They all start to look the same to me too. Buffy: Oh, no, not the employees, the, the chicken slices.
Manny: Drive-through station's over there. High pressure job, you won't need to go in there. Over there's the grills, the fryers, the walk-in freezer...You don't need to go in there either! That's the dehydrated pickle storage. Those are locked!
Manny: Now I want to show you this...Look. The DoubleMeat Medley. Buffy: Oh, I know the Medley! It's just, uh, the video was...kind of graphic, with the slaughter. Manny: The classic double-decker with a twist. A pure beefy patty above the mid-bun...and a slice of processed chicken product below the mid-bun. Plus pickles, and the secret ingredient. Eat it.
Buffy: Mmmm. So, what is your secret ingredient? Manny: It's a meat process.
Buffy: So...what's the deal with Manny the Manager? If I ask him really nice can I write a children's book called that?
Gary: Fill this while I get the fries. Buffy: Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job. Gary: You're funny. You better stop that. Buffy: Why? Gary: Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. "Levity is the time-thief that picks the pocket of the company." Buffy: I prefer the one that goes, 'Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.' Gary: You really need to be quiet with that.
Old Lady: I'd like a small coffee, and cherry pie. Gary: That's a dollar ninety-two, ma'am. Buffy: You hit so many buttons, it's like, button-palooza.
Gary: There are little pictures of the food on the buttons. I hit the coffee button, then I hit the small button. And then cherry pie. There's a picture of a little fried pie. Buffy: Uh-huh. Gary: Then, I hit the total button...I put the money in the drawer, I close it, and it resets the system. A cocker spaniel could do it.
Buffy: Hi. I'm new. Old Lady: I come here every day. Buffy: That's nice. Old Lady: Oh, you really might make it, dear. Not like some of them, where suddenly you never see them again. I can see you here a long time. Buffy: That's great.
Buffy: Hi. Welcome to the DoubleMeat Palace, may I help you? Father: Yeah. We need two Number 4 Medley Meals, a junior Medley, a Fisherman's Medley with bacon, and a kid's meal. Plus three fries, a chocolatey shake, and extra pickles on one of the Medleys. Buffy: Excuse me. Um, this button. Does it look chocolatey to you?
Manny: You don't need to be in there. Buffy: Sorry. I was just curious. Manny: Curiosity killed the cat. Buffy: Theory number five. Cat burgers.
Dawn: Hey Buffy! Anya: We're here to support your subsistence-level employment. Bravo. Buffy: Thank you. This is cool of you guys.
Xander: So, Buff, how's it going? Buffy: I don't know. I-I've waitressed before, but...this is different. Dawn: Uh, when have you waitressed? Buffy: That summer in L.A. It was a diner, and...we had, you know, lots of people who didn't tip, and funny funny health code violations...but...it, it wasn't like it is here.
Buffy: There's, there's this manager, right, and he's all scary and mysterious, you know? And then there's the secret ingredient. And, and the people that work here? They're, they're kind of strange, you know? They just...just stare into space...plus they disappear. Anya: Disappear poof? Buffy: No, not poof. Well, I don't think so. Xander: It's fast food. I have swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness, there's staring, there's the enthusiastic not showing up at all. I think you're seeing demons where there's just life. Buffy: I, I didn't say demons. It's just a vibe. I mean, you guys still haven't seen this manager. Anya: Well, isn't that him over there, getting the pickles wet? Xander: Yeah, with the saddle shoes... Willow: ...and the glasses? Buffy: I don't know. Maybe it's just the video that's freakin' me out. With the cow, and the chicken, all swirly together.
Anya: Well, if you like the food here, honey, maybe we should get it for the reception. Dawn: You're serving burgers? Cool! Anya: Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the 'whoosh' engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help, but, well, now that's all been blown to hell. Willow: Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here. Anya: Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you.
Anya: Everyone's so delicate. Anyway, I still have to select the bridesmaids' dresses, and, well, then there are the guests from out of town and the ones from the demon realm -- you wouldn't believe how many of them have yet to let us know either way.
Buffy: There you go, and I double-sized it for ya. Xander: Oh, thank you! Buffy: And cut way back on the cat. Xander: Cat?! Buffy: Just kidding. Probably.
Buffy: Since it's slow, do you think they'll mind if I take another break? Gina: We're not allowed. Downtime robs us all. Buffy: Mmm, thus quoth Manny.
Spike: What's in the DoubleMeat nuggets? Buffy: I'm working. Go away. Spike: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I'm a consumer. Service me.
Buffy: Order something or go. Spike: Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead. Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv? Buffy: I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon. Spike: Oh. I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl?
Spike: You're not happy here. Buffy: Please don't make this harder. Spike: You don't belong here. You're something...you're better than this. Buffy: I need the money. Spike: I can get money. Walk with me now, come on. Buffy: I...I need to go help Gary with the fries. Spike: You gotta get outta here, this place'll do stuff to you. This place'll kill you!
Buffy: Feels like I just left, you know? Timothy: You came back. Buffy: I came back.
Manny: I'm moving Timothy to counter. You're on grill. Buffy: Me? Manny: I've been watching you. Buffy: B-but I-I don't know how to grill. Manny: Just think. This is the last day you'll ever be able to say that.
Philip: You put the beef on the grill, you hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun...There's not a button for that. Buffy: Repeat until insane. Philip: It eliminates variation. Every burger at every DoubleMeat Palace is the same. People don't like variation. Buffy: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.
Buffy: So...what's the secret ingredient? Philip: It's a meat process. Buffy: Well, what does that mean? Philip: It's a process, they do it to the meat. Buffy: But, what is it? Philip: It's just the name of the process. Buffy: Oh. Yeah.
Buffy: So, I...guess we're gonna get...kinda greasy, huh? Philip: Mm. Skin...hair... eyelashes...nostrils...inside your ears...You wanna look inside my ears? Buffy: No. No, that's okay.
Philip: Once I noticed I couldn't hear and went to the doctor. He said it was grease...that made a plug. Buffy: Ohh. Philip: Mm. They gave me a kit. Kit for cleaning my ears. (smiling) It's got this little bulb mechanism. Buffy: Imagine that.
Manny: You're working a double shift. Buffy: What? A...nother eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that's...so many hours. Manny: You get paid for it. Plus an extra free DoubleMeat Medley. Buffy: What happened? Why the double shiftiness? Manny: Gary didn't show. And now one of my grinder guys is late too.
Halfrek: I have been called, and vengeance shall I wreak. Cower, masculine one-tremble as you face my wrath! Anya: Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing. Xander: Honey? Halfrek: Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish? Anya: Halfrek! Halfrek: Anyanka? Oh my god!
Anya: Funny, Halfrek, I didn't summon you to kill Xander, I called to invite you to our wedding. Halfrek: Y- Oh my...what an embarrassing mistake! Oh my god, gorgeous! Xander: Wow, um, you two clearly have some catching up to do. So I'll, uh...I'll not be in the apartment.
Anya: Gosh, it's swell to see you again, Hallie, I didn't mean to have you materialize all the way here, I mean, not-not till the ceremony, I mean. Halfrek: I guess I got the message garbled. You know how it is, half the time I have no idea if I'm maiming the right guy.
Halfrek: So, um...you're marrying that man with the large upper arms? Anya: Yes. Halfrek: Why? Anya: Well, because I love him. Halfrek: Hmm. Anya: Oh, we're gonna be very happy together. Halfrek: Hmm. Anya: What?
Timothy: It's boiling with nothing in it. Sometimes it does that. They say bugs fall in there. Oh, I'm back. You can go on your break now.
Willow: D'you want something? Amy: Um...yeah...actually. I mean, I, I don't, don't know if you wanted to keep it, or... Willow: You want it? Really? Amy: Well, yeah, you know, I mean...it's not much, but it's home. Or it was. I don't know, I guess it's stupid, but... Willow: No, i-it's not stupid. You can have it, of course.
Amy: Hey. So I hear you got this whole cold-turkey thing goin' on. How's that going? Willow: It's good. It's really good. I mean, i-it was hard at first ...frustrating...doing everything the slow way. It was like, 'is everything gonna take forever, forever?' Amy: Yeah. Willow: But, uh, it's better now. I'm...getting my focus back. Amy: Mm. I can see that. Willow: It's a pivotal page.
Amy: So this is it, huh? This is...gonna be your life from now on? Willow: What? No. Amy: Well, you're never gonna do it again. Ever. You're never gonna...feel how it made you feel. Willow: Don't think that's the way to look at it.
Amy: Hey Will? It's your birthday. Willow: Um, no it isn't. But now that you mention it, Buffy's is coming... Amy: Potestas. (latin translation: "power" or "you have the power.") Willow: Amy... Amy: It's a gift. It's magic...and it didn't come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. Enjoy.
Buffy: Look! Look what I found under the meat grinder! Manny: Oh my god. Buffy: Wanna tell me what's going on? Manny: I'm not sure. Buffy: Try again. Manny: Well...there was an accident, maybe six weeks ago, a grinder incident. Buffy: Right, but see, this isn't six weeks old. This, is new. Manny: It is? Oh...well, maybe Gary did come in this morning, or, I don't know, late last night, maybe there was an accident. Got himself to the hospital. Buffy: Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. Or maybe, he's in the grinder! Huh? Huh? Meat process, secret ingredient? Maybe, Gary's on the grill! Or maybe he's under the pickle chips!
Buffy: Stop! Stop! Everyone, you have to stop! Stop eating! No, you can't have this! It's not beef! It's people! The DoubleMeat Medley is people! The meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part. But who knows? Who! Knows! Old Lady: What about the cherry pie?
Manny: You are fired.
Halfrek: Tell me more about Xander. Anya: You keep asking about him. Do you think I'm making a mistake? Halfrek: Do you? Anya: Well, no! Xander, he...He's very kind, and brave...he has the sweetest smile and the nicest body, and...he loves me. I mean, sometimes it isn't easy, but, he does.
Halfrek: Who told you that it isn't easy to love you? Anya: Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something, and, and then he has to say stuff like, "it's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much", or, or, "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."
Buffy: I call an emergency meeting, and this is it? Where's Willow? Where's Anya? Dawn: I-I couldn't find Willow. I knocked and knocked on her door. Xander: And Anya's entertaining a vengeance demon named Hallie. Say Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? 'Cause if that's it...whoa.
Buffy: There's something wrong at the DoubleMeat Palace. Really wrong. Dawn: Have you been demon-fighting? Is that why you smell funny? Buffy: No! I'm talking about...Ucch. That's great. That's, that's just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job in a well-lit place, and look, I'm right back where I started. Blood and death and funky smells.
Buffy: Look. Look what I found near the grinder. Dawn: Ew. Whose is it? Buffy: I don't know. It might be this guy named Gary, the only one in the whole place who didn't seem all brain-dead. He didn't show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time. As the secret ingredient. We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander: People? Buffy: Xander, you ate the burger?! Xander: Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later "oh and by the way, it happens to be hot delicious human flesh"! Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one. Xander: That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
Willow: Late! Late, sorry, I...I was reading for school, well, highlighting anyway. Anyway, late. Xander: Yeah, you just missed the Gary burger. Willow: What are we doing? Let's jump right in. Did Xander say something about food? Dawn: You wouldn't want any. Apparently the DoubleMeat Medley is people.
Buffy: I bet it's not even just this one time. Or even this one town. There are DoubleMeat Palaces all over California. Dawn: I've eaten there a lot. Buffy: Well, everyone has! They've got the perfect deal. Everyone expects high turnover of the employees, they get the meat for nothing, and...And they have us disposing of the bodies! How sick is that? We need to bring down the whole corporation. Will, Xander ate the burger, is there any way for sure to figure out what it was? Willow: Well, yeah, I can start analyzing it with science, not...I can use science....You ate it?
Dawn: My friend Janice? Her sister's a lawyer. Xander: You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting. Dawn: No, I just mean...Buffy's never gonna be a lawyer, or a doctor. Anything big. Xander: She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger. Dawn: But that means she's gonna have like crap jobs her entire life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her...this is it. Xander: Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister. Dawn: Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.
Anya: I'm here! I'm here. Dawn: We're doing chemistry. Anya: Oh. So sorry I hurried.
Xander: Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave? Anya: She's gone. Xander: So, Ahn, the way she looked, with...the face...That wasn't what you used to look like, was it? Anya: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive? Xander: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts? Anya: Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty. Xander: Well, hon, she was a little...there was some veinyness.
Anya: It's not like you're so perfect either, what with your...strangely large upper arms and your tendency to criticize. Xander: Huh?
Dawn: What do you see? Willow: There's no reaction. Xander: Oh god, no! No reaction! Willow: Which means it's not human. Xander: It's not human!...It's not human? Anya: Well, is it demony? I mean, maybe someone's...you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that.
Anya: And by the way, I'm opposed to using demon meat, no matter how much money it saves. Does that surprise you? Xander: Again, I say 'huh?'
Buffy: Scalp? Wig! Wig lady? Wig Lady: Oh dear. Wig lady, is that what they call me? I don't care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.
Wig Lady: It's paralyzing. Don't try to move, dear. You really can't, much. The paralysis spreads upward, by the way. You may want to flail your arms a bit while you still can. Did I tell you? You're my favorite. DoubleMeat workers. You're all so full of DoubleMeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth. Oh, I just love the paralysis. It means I can eat you slowly.
Willow: Buffy? Are you in there? I can't see you inside. Buffy, if you're in there, the burger isn't people. They aren't even meat, it's all processed vegetables. Isn't that weird?
Willow: Buffy, there's more. Something happened today...i-it wasn't my fault. It was Amy's fault, but I feel so bad about it. It was Amy's power, but, but it felt like I was doing everything myself. And I couldn't stop. And now it's gone and I feel kinda shaky and...like I, I need it...Buffy?
Willow: Buffy, are you all right? Buffy: Para...lyzed, but...I think it's wearing off. Willow: I did it! I killed it, Buffy, look!
Willow: You really can't. Amy: I can't borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me Stinky Amy, I'm just gonna say, "hey, not my fault..." Willow: I can't spend time with you anymore. Amy: What? Willow: You can't come in here again. Amy: What's up, y-you didn't like your birthday present? Willow: That's right. Amy: You're telling me that you didn't have a genuine blast? Come on, that was a sweet spell. That was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines. Willow: You don't get it. What you did to me was wrong. Do you have any idea how much harder that makes, just, everything? Amy: You know what I notice? You're not denying that you had fun. Willow: Shut up. Amy: Oh, yeah. Sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forget. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat. Willow: Amy. If you really are my friend...you better stay away from me. And if you really aren't, you better stay away from me.
Lorraine: Buffy Summers. I heard about you. Caused a big scene. Buffy: Oh, yeah. Practical jokes not really right for the workplace. I so get that now. Anyway, I just wanted to return my uniform. Lorraine: Oh. Most people don't even bother.
Buffy: The DoubleMeat Medley...is vegetables? Lorraine: How do you know that? Buffy: So I guess it's true. Lorraine: Um, close the door? Have a seat. It's a formed and texturized vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blended with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor. Buffy: Wait, the secret ingredient in the beef is...beef? Lorraine: Buffy. You know something powerful here, do you understand that? The DoubleMeat reputation is built on a foundation of...well, meat. You can't spread this around. Buffy: I get that. It's a valuable secret, isn't it? Lorraine: Is there something you want? Lorraine: You want money? Buffy: No! Well, I mean, yes, but, but no, I...well, I, I want to work. See, I-I have zero money coming in, and there are expenses, and by the time I interview for a new job and get hired and go through a training process, it...well, I'd...I'd really like to not be fired anymore.
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