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Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S5/Ep5 (83)
"No Place Like Home"

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Two Months Ago
Monk #1: It's coming. It's going to kill us!
Monk #2: Our lives aren't important. We have to protect the Key.
Senior Monk: Help me perform the ritual. Concentrate. Concentrate.
Now
Bike Vamp: I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.
Buffy: And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage? But honestly? I think I'm expressing mine better. Tell you what...you find yourself a good anger management class...And I'll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart. I think that sets the world speed record for closure.
Night Watchman: Miss, if you're looking for one of those rave parties, I'm afraid you're late. Chased a bunch of kids out of here last night.
Buffy: Oh, right. Yeah. Darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the Bundt cake.
Night Watchman: Oh, hey! Hold it, miss. Take your...whatever this is with you.
Buffy: Thank you.
Night Watchman: Glow balls, huh? I swear, I don't get your generation. What is that thing?
Buffy: I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
Buffy: Dawn, touch nothing.
Dawn: Who died and made you the Iron Chef?
Joyce: Oh! Check out the "Pamper Mom" platter You two do all this?
Dawn: Oh, Buffy helped.
Buffy: I didn't "help"...
Joyce: I'm sure you did. So neither of you is pregnant, failing or under indictment? Just checking.
Joyce: Yeah, the headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with.
Buffy: Well, what did the doctor say?
Joyce: Oh, take four of some-pills a day and come back for tests.
Joyce: Buffy, I know you're concerned, okay? But don't be. I'm still the mom. Which means I get to worry about you two. Which is a good thing because you're a Vampire Slayer. And you...you are my little punkin' belly!
Joyce: What are you doing hanging around here? Isn't this Giles' big day?
Buffy: Oh! Bigger than big. It's his grand opening.
Joyce: So go. Bring me back a...I don't know...a flying broomstick or something.
Dawn: I told you you couldn't ditch me! (looks around) Whoa...Mr. Giles! This place is so... wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk.
Giles: Our new slogan...
Dawn: So when's it open? You know, for customers?
Giles: Since nine this morning, actually.
Buffy: Dawn. Go. Browse. And—
Dawn: "You break it, you bought it." Heard you the first sixty times.
Giles: Still, not to worry. No, I've got feelings about this place. Magic's a small niche market but...well, think about it. Sunnydale...monsters...supply and demand. They'll be lining up around the block in no time.
Giles: You all right? You seem a little distracted.
Buffy: It's just my mom's still sick and we have no idea what the deal is.
Giles: She is getting medical attention?
Buffy: Yeah. We have a highly trained medical staff working 'round the clock to tell us diddly.
Buffy: I put this before the group. What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.
Dawn: You can't patrol. Buffy said.
Buffy: No, I didn't.
Dawn: Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody.
Buffy: Well, I wasn't talking about Riley.
Dawn: Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitteny and she'd better go solo or you'd get hurt. So welcome to the club. She'll never let me go either.
Willow: Buffy, wait. Go easy on her.
Buffy: Why?
Willow: I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. 'Cause she's, you know, a big spaz.
Buffy: She's so annoying. Especially now that Mom's sick. She's all over her while I have to be the grown-up and the two of them are like the Giggle Twins and why can't I ever be L'il Punkin' Belly?
Willow: While I don't feel qualified to address the last part, I can tell you that Dawn's not just the youngest, she's the baby
and maybe your mom needs that right now.
Buffy: Dawn doesn't care what my mom...You just have no idea how much I wish I were an only child these days.
Dawn: We can't all be born with big, fancy, Chosen One reflexes, you know.
Ben: Hey! It's Buffy, isn't it? Ben, but you can call me man-nurse. Everybody else here does.
Night Watchman: I don't belong here. I have important instructions. Fascists!
Ben: Now you're hurting the nice orderly who's here to help you
Ben: You know, not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace, but you've got some serious muscles for a girl.
Buffy: I... um...
Ben: Radioactive spider bite.
Buffy: How'd you guess?
Ben: I'm a doctor - well, almost.
Night Watchman: Doesn't even help. Doesn't make a damn bit of difference!
Buffy: I've met this guy. He's a security guard. He's not crazy.
Ben: If you say so...
Night Watchman: They're coming at you. Don't think you're above it, missy. They come through the family! They get to your family!
Ben: She's not feeling better?
Buffy: Not yet but she will be. I'm starting to figure out what's wrong.
Giles: Did you see that? Customers! Real, live customers! They came in and I gave them things and they gave me money and then they left! It's brilliant!
Anya: Your conjuring powder is grotesquely over-priced.
Giles: Anya...
Anya: I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.
Giles: The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap.
Anya: Well, you're getting ripped off. I could hook you up with the troll that sheds it.
Buffy: Giles, I have an idea what's making my mom sick.
Giles: Have you spoken with her doctors?
Buffy: They won't find anything. What's hurting her...it's supernatural. The night watchman who found this thing? He went crazy—like overnight
Buffy: It won't hurt us. I had it on me all night. But this guy, he saw things...he said things.
Giles: Such as?
Buffy: They'll come at me through my family.
Giles: Who will?
Buffy: I don't know...yet. But whatever touched this guy, it made him see through what the rest of us are seeing. He knew someone's hurting my mom and they're trying to get to me.
Glory: You know, when you think about it, I'm the victim here. First off, I don't even want to be here. And I'm not talking about this room or this city or this state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil now, you know? It's disgusting! The food...the clothes...the people. I could crap a better existence than this. But...okay- and feel free to tell me if this next part gets a little too personal, because I'm told I have boundary issues–but I'm hurt! Yes, by your incredibly selfish behavior. Newsflash, hairdo: it's not always about you. All I want is the Key! Why? Why can't you tell me where the Key is? Oh! Forgive me...monky. Sometimes I just...I get so anxious–like there's something deep inside of me and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy!– that I forget there's all that duct tape on your face! Now...tell me where the Key is. Or I'm going bowling.
Glory: I bet this is fun for you, isn't it? Say it. Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it, I need it and I gotta have it now an you keep refusing to tell me where the Key is! It's typical! The whole mortal meatsack comes complete with stink and bile sweat and protein. Yes, I said humans! Not now, Mommy's talking! Wriggling, piling, prowling, crawling, clowning, cavorting, doing it over and over and over and over until someone's gonna sit down on their tuffet and make this birthing stop!
Customer: Do you gift wrap?
Willow: Do we! Do we? Oh! We do. Little help...
Giles: No, no. Ground cloven hooves are 30% off. The whole ones are full price. That's not...candy!
Giles: Xander! There's too many of them...people! And they all seem to want things.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.
Xander: The thousand-yard stare. Damn! You hate to see it on any man but especially in retail.
Anya: Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeeper's Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "please go" just got replaced with "have a nice day".
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
Anya: Hey, you! Have a nice day.
Buffy: Someone put a spell on my mom. Something to make it seem like she's sick.
Xander: That's a new kind of nasty. Any suspects?
Buffy: Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.
Anya: You know, Buffy, there used to be this French sorcerer back in the 16th I-don't-know-what named-
Giles: Cloutier?
Anya: So cute in his little knickers. But he had this one spell demons just hated called tirer la couture.
Buffy: "Rotate many foodstuffs"?
Willow: "Pull the curtain back".
Anya: A spell to see spells... well, a trance to see spells, actually, but you get the idea. Try that.
Buffy: What do you mean "see" spells?
Giles: Well, all spells leave a trace signature. It's just not perceptible to the human eye. In this case,
it could be the image of a hand choking your mother.
Anya: Or a cloud of mist around her.
Willow: Or maybe the shape of the demon that's performing the spell?
Giles: Possible, yes.
Buffy: Okay, so I'll do what Monsieur Silk Knickers did. I'll go home, I'll get trancey and I'll see what's affecting my mom.
Willow: I don't know, Buffy. Trances?
Giles: Yes, Buffy, the Sorcerer Cloutier was legendary. His skills at achieving higher states of consciousness were-
Buffy: Better than mine? I knew he was gonna say that. But I've been practicing concentration skills. I know I'm close.
Buffy: All prayin', no slayin'. Okay, so the incense needs to be ignited...and there's a job. And this stuff needs to get
poured around me in a circle, counter-clockwise-
Riley: So you need me to light incense and pour sand?
Buffy: Magic incense...and spooky sand...and the ritual itself is-
Riley: Something you do alone. You sure this isn't just your way of trying to make me feel less—what are the words? Cute and weak and kittenish?
Buffy: Kitteny.
Riley: Right. Much manlier.
Riley: So I'm not quite Super Guy anymore. It was borrowed power anyway. Had to give it back some time.
Buffy: I know you can handle yourself. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.
Riley: Maybe instead of you trying to take care of me, we agree to take care of each other. Deal?
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.
Dawn: Liar. Are you doing magic?
Dawn: Yeah, well, I can smell your stinky incense down the hall, you know. And your clothes are gonna reek. And if you are doing magic, I am so telling.
Dawn: Who said you could come in my room?
Buffy: You're not my sister.
Dawn: Yeah! Like I even want to be related to your nasty self—Ow! What are you doing?
Buffy: What are you?
Dawn: Get off me!
Buffy: You want to hurt me?
Dawn: Let go of me, you freak!
Buffy: Then you deal with me.
Dawn: I'm telling mom!
Buffy: You stay away from my mother!
Giles: We've uncovered more than expected about this orb. It's called the Dagon Sphere and it has a history going back many centuries.
Buffy: What's it do?
Giles: It's a protective device, used to ward off ancient primordial evil.
Buffy: Any word on what this evil looks like?
Giles: Unfortunately, no. This is where–Excuse me. This is where accounts get vague. All we've managed to uncover so far is the Dagon Sphere was created to repel That Which Cannot Be Named.
Giles: Buffy, you've heard me say this before but do be careful. Anything that goes unnamed is usually an object of deep worship or great fear- maybe both. Have you completed the trance? Seen what's harming your mother?
Buffy: That's the thing...I just saw—Nothing. It didn't work.
Dawn: Do you really think I care you're the Slayer?
Buffy: What's that supposed to mean?...I'll be home in an hour.
Dawn: Mom's coming back.
Buffy: I'll be back first.
Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: Out...for...a...walk...bitch.
Buffy: Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.
Spike: On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts...and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
Buffy: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.
Spike: Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess...you won't kill me? Wooo...the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and...and you have stupid hair.
Dawn: Hi, mom.
Joyce: Oh! Dawn. Where's Buffy?
Dawn: You don't have to worry about her.
Joyce: You're probably right. I mean, it's not like she's never patrolled before. Anyway, I was feeling kind of—what's the medical term?—crappy. So I called off the big night out.
Dawn: Want tea, mom? I made it for you.
Buffy: It was you who planted the Dagon Sphere, right? I got it. Don't worry. I'm stronger than I look. I have had experience with stuff like this before. Best of all...I'm not stupid.
Giles: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?
Xander: Would that involve moving?
Willow: My feet are numb.
Xander: I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.
Giles: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.
Anya: You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15.
Giles: Anya...
Anya: Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.
Giles: Anya...
Anya: And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check for—
Giles: Anya! Would you like a job?
Anya: Okay.
Willow: Hey, any word from Buffy on how her spell went?
Giles: She said it didn't work. Now she's off investigating whoever left the Dagon Sphere behind.
Xander: You're not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you Big G?
Glory: And another thing? I just want you to know...The whole "beat ya to death" thing I'm doing? It's valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back.
Glory: Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms where if you have one, you rip it in half, you got two worms? Do you think that'll work with you?
Glory: You hit me! What, are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What, were you born in a barn? Fine. Be that way.
Glory: I just noticed something. You have super powers. That is so cool. Can you fly?
Glory: Hey! Hands off my holy man!
Monk: My journey's done, I think.
Buffy: Don't get metaphory on me. We're going.
Monk: You have to...the Key. You must protect the Key.
Buffy: Fine. We can protect the Key together, okay, just far, far from here.
Monk: Many more die if you don't keep it safe.
Monk: You have to...the Key. You must protect the Key.
Buffy: Fine. We can protect the Key together, okay, just far, far from here.
Monk: Many more die if you don't keep it safe.
Monk: The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door...
Buffy: The Dagon Sphere?
Monk: No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, its only keepers. Then the abomination found us. We had to hide the Key, gave it form, molded it flesh...made it human and sent it to you.
Buffy: Dawn...
Monk: She's the Key.
Buffy: You put that in my house?
Monk: We knew the Slayer would protect.
Buffy: My memories... my mom's?
Monk: We built them.
Buffy: Then un-build them! This is my life you're-
Monk: You cannot abandon...
Buffy: I didn't ask for this! I don't even know...what is she?
Monk: Human...now human. And helpless. Please...she's an innocent in this. She needs you.
Buffy: She's not my sister?
Monk: She doesn't know that.
Dawn: You hurt my arm.
Buffy: I know.
Dawn: Butthole.
Buffy: Really sorry.
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you're the one who's not my sister. 'Cause mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: Explains your fashion sense. And your smell.
Buffy: I just had a bad day.
Dawn: Well, join the club.
Buffy: Can I be president?
Dawn: I'm president. You could be the janitor.
Dawn: Buffy?
Buffy: Yeah?
Dawn: What's wrong with mom?
Buffy: I don't know.
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