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| Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S5/Ep3 (81) "The Replacement" |
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| Xander: Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission. Anya: We think the cat peed on it. Xander: I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness. Riley: Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch. |
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| Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right? | |||
| Xander: Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import. Anya: Much more durable than their hot plates. |
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| Anya: Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder! I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie. | |||
| Buffy: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba–see, now with the flying kick. From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm? Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know? Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and...invading all willy-nilly. And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander? Xander: What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?" |
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| Toth: The last step in thy forging is my pain...the price with which I purchase...the death of the slayer. | |||
| Willow: We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's." Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that. Riley: Really? I will. |
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| Xander: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated. Anya: But you have references. Xander: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. "Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow." |
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| Willow: Whoa! Big! Buffy: It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean. Anya: I want it. Pay anything. |
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| Xander: I brought my friends. Apartment Manager: I see. Xander: They wouldn't always be around. Willow: But we're clean and-and quiet. |
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| Anya: We can have the scooby meetings in the living room, and-and Giles can explain the boring things over there. | |||
| Willow: Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn. | |||
| Apartment Manager: I brought an application for you to fill out. Xander: An application? I can't just...tell you my references? Because there's Albert. Apartment Manager: We run your credit check based on the application. Xander: Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are. |
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| Anya: He'll take it. Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate. Xander: Anya, can we talk quietly over there? Excuse us. |
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| Riley: Uh, we, uh...we like the ceiling fan. Willow: Yes. It's very, you know, kind of old south. Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations. |
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| Xander: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you? Anya: What's going on with me is my arm hurts...and I'm tired...and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have. |
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| Xander: I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship. | |||
| Giles: "Miscellaneous curses." Brilliant. Be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist. | |||
| Riley: That thing's pretty heavy. Willow: That's Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her. |
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| Buffy: How badly did you hurt him? Giles: Well, hurt, uh...maybe not...hurt. Willow: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled. Giles: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn. Buffy: He ran away, huh? Giles: Um, sort of more...uh...turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him. Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe? Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me. |
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| Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony? | |||
| Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. Giles: Toth. Riley: What? Buffy: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron. Giles: No, Toth is the name of the demon. |
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| Giles: Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated. Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off? Giles: They're referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed. He uses tools, devices. Oh, he's also supposed to be very focused. And since he mentioned the slayer, I think we know what the focus is. |
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| Giles: Well, there's no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but...I have an idea. He had a very specific olfactory presence. Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the olfactory. I hate that place. I'm joking, I know what it means. He smelled...Right? |
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| Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves. Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling. Willow: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so...no. |
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| Riley: What are you doing here, Spike? Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I? |
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| Scruffy Xander: Anya...you trying to use the hot plate again? | |||
| Scruffy Xander: Oh my god! What? No way! Who is...me? What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy. | |||
| Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to...zee other axe. | |||
| Dawn: My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue. Buffy: Go away, Dawn. Dawn: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you. |
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| Joyce: This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. I thought it felt familiar. Buffy: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache. Dawn: I did not! Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's. Buffy: But part of it is Dawn's. |
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| Scruffy Xander: Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free. | |||
| Scruffy Xander: What? Why isn't he firing me?...Him? Boss: I was thinking that I'd have you head up our interior carpentry crew...see how it goes. It's more responsibility, but the pay is better. Suave Xander: That would be great. Scruffy Xander: Promotion? But I...I mean, he didn't...Doesn't he see the shiny thing? |
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| Apartment Manager: I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine,but...I really didn't think you'd be back. Suave Xander: "Mister Harris." Yeah, right. |
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| Apartment Manager: I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement? Suave Xander: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and...go with it. |
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| Scruffy Xander: She's coming on to him...me! Apartment Manager: Call me. Even for, you know...non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something? Scruffy Xander: Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy. |
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| Suave Xander: Anya, you there?...Look, I know you're still mad, but...I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway. Anya: Am not. Suave Xander: Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. Nine o'clock. |
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| Suave Xander: No, no. He looked exactly like me. It stole my face. We have to find it, and we have to kill it. Scruffy Xander: She sees it's not me. Please, Buffy...resist his spell. Do this for me. Buffy: Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the slayer now. |
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| Scruffy Xander: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it. Willow: Um...okay. Scruffy Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday...I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance. |
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| Willow: Xander...stop dancing. Scruffy Xander: Aha! You called me Xander! Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander? |
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| Willow: What's goin' on? Scruffy Xander: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning. Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel. Scruffy Xander: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning. |
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| Willow: We walked you home last night, remember? Scruffy Xander: You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around? Willow: Shiny things, what are you talking about? Scruffy Xander: Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some...thing has stolen my face, and it's going around pretending to be me, and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea. |
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| Buffy: It's gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow it allowed him to take Xander's form. Couldn't that be what the creepy stick thing did? Giles: Yes...I suppose, yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device. Suave Xander: It does make sense. It must be Toth. |
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| Scruffy Xander: It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil. Willow: Uh huh. Or it's Toth. Scruffy Xander: Or, it's Toth. |
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| Suave Xander: Should I go with you? I...told Anya to meet me at my new place. I'd feel a whole lot better knowing she's safe from this creep. Buffy: Go be with her. I, I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too...let's just say that I wouldn't wanna run into you and kill the wrong one. Suave Xander: Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one's who's actually- |
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| Scruffy Xander: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do. | |||
| Willow: Xander, you sound a little...you have to help me figure this out, you know. Scruffy Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me. Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you...And sometimes you're not in trouble. |
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| Scruffy Xander: I'm just...another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him...Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like... Willow: Like what? Scruffy Xander: Like...he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and...I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please. |
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| Willow: Xander, no! You're just tired, and...and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence. Scruffy Xander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" |
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| Scruffy Xander: Anya! Willow: You think he's after her? Scruffy Xander: She won't know. He can just...no. No way! No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her. Willow: Really? |
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| Buffy: We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead...You know what I mean. | |||
| Scruffy Xander: Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot! | |||
| Suave Xander: All right, Buffy. I have him. Scruffy Xander: No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me! Anya: My gun! He's got my gun! Riley: You own a gun?? Buffy: Xander...gun-holding Xander. Give me the gun. |
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| Buffy: Yeah. Okay, Xander...Xa...You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you can't kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad. | |||
| Suave Xander: No way. Scruffy Xander: He can't be me. He's all...fancy. Riley: We can prove that you're both Xander. Buffy: Yeah! How? Riley: Um... Buffy: Um... Riley: Well, there has to be a way. Buffy: Ooh! What number am I thinking of? Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it. Xanders: (in unison) Eleven and a half. Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see? |
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| Scruffy Xander: No. We're not the same. We're all different. Riley: Different properties went into each of you, but you're both Xander. Anya: Different properties? Scruffy Xander: What different properties? Buffy: Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that. |
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| Scruffy Xander: Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! A shiny disk that stuns and disorients! Suave Xander: What disk? Scruffy Xander: Cover your eyes! Suave Xander: This? Scruffy Xander: It'll melt your brain! Suave Xander: It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic. Scruffy Xander: No, I...huh. It is kinda cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson. |
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| Suave Xander: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone. Scruffy Xander: I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander? |
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| Scruffy Xander: Look and admire, ladies. Buffy: Look, there's a scar there, and there's the same one right there. Willow: It's all double. This zit, and this...kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way. Scruffy Xander: Okay! Back off, ladies. |
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| Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?...Just me, then. | |||
| Anya: So...you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same...physical attributes? Suave Xander: We're completely identical. Scruffy Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over....Fingerprints! Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and...we can all have sex together, and...you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning. |
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| Suave Xander: She's joking. Scruffy Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is...wrong,and, and it would be very confusing. Giles: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk. Willow: Check. Candles and pretense. |
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| Anya: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander. | |||
| Scruffy Xander: Now, hold on a sec. If you weren't putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how'd you do it? How'd you get the promotion? Suave Xander: Well, I'm good at that stuff. Scruffy Xander: I am? Suave Xander: Yeah. Scruffy Xander: And hey, how 'bout that lady, huh? The apartment manager. Suave Xander: How weird was it when she called me "mister"? |
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| Anya: What'll we do if this doesn't work? Xanders: (in unison) Kill us both, Spock! Buffy: They're...kinda the same now. Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself. |
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| Scruffy Xander: Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let's do it. Willow: Actually, it's not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth's spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two...stand right here. Side by side. We don't want you to end up with two fronts, now do we? |
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| Willow: Let the spell be ended. Xander: You gotta be kidding. "Let the spell be ended," that's not gonna work...Oh! |
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| Anya: I liked it the other way. Put him back. | |||
| Riley: Getting nostalgic? Xander: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and...then you're like, that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place. |
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| Buffy: Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd. Anya: Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure. Buffy: That sounds nice. |
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| Anya: Ooh! Presents? Xander: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little. Anya: Me? Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses? Xander: Anya. Please. Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave. |
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| Xander: How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building? Riley: You two have your friction, but...she digs the whole package. It's obvious. Xander: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was. Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like...it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just...on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half...is so still and peaceful...just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me. |
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