line decor
  
line decor
 
 
 
 
Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S5/Ep2 (80)
"Real Me"

previous
prev episode
next episode
next
Giles: You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being...of what you are. Find it...breathe into it. Focus inward. Let the world fall away...fall away...fall away....
Dawn: (voiceover) Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like, nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamation point. Exclamation point, exclamation point...No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a Slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world." I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't
even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even bethat impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.
Joyce: So Buffy, what are your plans today?
Buffy: Oh, actually, Giles and I are gonna go to the magic shop for supplies for my new and improved training sessions.
Joyce: Oh, that's great.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, I'm actually-
Joyce: You can take Dawn shopping for back to school supplies.
Buffy: That doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop. No school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts.
Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit...Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. Not sure why.
Dawn: (voiceover) Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. They're always kissing...and groping. I bet they have sex!
Buffy: Well, this is a surprise of the nicest kind.
Riley: Now it's my turn to be surprised. I thought we had plans today.
Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, uh, "come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "OK." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.
Buffy: Giles is on his way to pick me up.
Riley: Oh, slayer training.
Buffy: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.
Riley: I have no doubt. Okay, well, we'll hook up later.
Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: Oh, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way
Dawn: (voiceover) I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so...old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone.
Buffy: There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?
Giles: You're entering a new realm here, Buffy. One for which I myself am not entirely prepared. Are you ready for this commitment?
Buffy: I'm just kidding! Hey, this Betty's ready. Color me committed.
Giles: Blast!
Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing.
Giles: No, i-it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
Giles: I'm serious, Buffy, there's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous-
Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Giles: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
Dawn: (voiceover) Willow's the awesomest person. She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool! Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.
Buffy: So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school. A block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.
Willow: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.
Buffy: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?
Buffy: Yeah, that reminds me. With the whole new training schedule, I kinda had to drop a class.
Willow: That's understandable. Your slayer studies are way more important.
Buffy: So I won't be taking drama with you.
Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles said that it just was-
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Buffy: What happened to "people gotta respect a work ethic"?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best friend loophole.
Strange Guy: Whatcha doin'? What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard but they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please, make it stop. Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!
Dawn: Buff-
Strange Guy: I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You...don't...belong...here.
Tara: They're gonna be a little while longer, doing the detective thing. Best non-scoobies like you and me stay out of the way.
Do you wanna thumb-wrestle?
Buffy: Judging by the bite-fest, I'd say it was more than one vampire.
Giles: I make it four at least.
Buffy: Looks like someone's put together a new fang club.
Willow: Well, I've cross-checked the inventory list, and things are definitely missing. Mostly books. Including "A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer".
Buffy: Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy?
Giles: Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious. Whoever's leading this pack of vampires appears to be interested in learning more about you. Perhaps searching for weaknesses or...good lord.
Buffy: What?
Giles: Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.
Giles: Look at this! Uh, low overhead, out-of-state orders, international—it's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners. A place like this is a virtual-
Buffy: Deathtrap?
Giles: What? Well, uh, yes, there is that. But, uh, still...Location, pedestrian traffic...
Buffy: What'd they take?
Giles: I should think an item of, of value, or-or power, possibly even a-
Willow: A unicorn. 10-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.
Buffy: Was it valuable?
Willow: List price, $12.95.
Giles: Which begs the question, what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary?
Harmony: Okay, hi. First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night. Good job, minions! Yes, you deserve it. Secondly...somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn!
Brad: I, I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.
Harmony: Anyway, the books you guys brought me to help with the plan? Well, I've been skimming
through the book jackets all morning, and let me tell you, there's some pretty useful stuff in there, so...
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?
Harmony: Eww! That's rude! I barely know you! Uch, and you're a minion!
Mort: He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?
Harmony: Ohhh! The plan! Ah, well, first lemme tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys-
Mort: When?!
Harmony: Tonight! We kill the slayer...tonight.
Joyce: So not only didn't you take your sister shopping for school supplies, you brought her to a murder scene.
Joyce: I asked one favor of you, Buffy. To look after your sister. And now you want to unload her, so you and Riley can go out.
Buffy: To patrol. I'm working, it's not like I wanna go to the sock hop.
Buffy: Wait. So what you're saying is if I can get an acceptable babysitter here before you leave, I can go patrol?
Dawn: Babysitter? I'm fourteen! I'm old enough to be a babysitter!
Xander: Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big.
Dawn: (voiceover) Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of...deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave too. Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.
Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from...some guy...I don't know his name.
Dawn: (voiceover) Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
Anya: Hello there, little girl.
Dawn: (voiceover) Even when he should.
Anya: We are gonna have fun, fun, fun. Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, the Game of Life! That sounds good?
Tara: Poor Dawn. She was pretty shaken up.
Willow: Well, sure. Bloody death and stuff.
Willow: Tara...you're not an outsider.
Tara: Well, yeah. I kinda am.
Willow: No, you're not.
Tara: Willow, it's okay. Where does this go?
Willow: Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it?
Tara: No, Xander's a sweetie.
Willow: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's...British and doesn't understand about stuff.
Tara: It's no one. You guys all just have this really tight bond. It's-it's hard to break into that. And I'm not even sure I want to.
Willow: Maybe I can talk to the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of scooby initiation. Oh! Maybe we could wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members.
Buffy: So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she's shielded from something that might upset her.
Riley: Like dead shopkeepers.
Buffy: She didn't see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot, which is bad, okay, but hello, I see dead stuff all the time, and you don't see Mom shielding me.
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you from it at the same time.
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
Buffy: Oh, a trash can. From a distance it looked kinda-
Riley: Tense.
Buffy: Nooo, I-I was gonna say brown, squat, shadowy...
Riley: Uh-uh. Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing. You seem really tense.
Buffy: I know it's always been this way. She's the baby. But for some reason lately, it's just really getting to me. She's always around.
Riley: Well, yeah. You're like her idol, Buffy.
Buffy: Her idol? I don't think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants, and-
Riley: You know what I mean. You have super powers...and college...a studly yet sensitive boyfriend...
Buffy: And a pesky life-or-death job that I can't quit or even take a break from.
Riley: She doesn't get the sacrifices. She's a kid.
Buffy: And that's what bugs. She gets to be a kid, and she acts like it's the biggest burden in the world. Sometimes I would like to just curl up in Mom's lap and not worry about the fate of the world. I'd like to be the one who's protected, who's waited on-
Dawn: -hand and foot, getting her own way. Always the favorite.
Xander: You nut. Your mom loves you both equally. But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite.
Dawn: (voiceover) He says I'm like a kid sister...
Xander: Here comes the judge!
Dawn: (voiceover) ...but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am...as a woman.
Anya: Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Harmony: What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be. I'm calling her out!
Xander: Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're...what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me.
Harmony: What's so funny?!
Xander: Nothing! What could be funny, just "Look out, it's a terrifying Harmony gang, ooh!"
Xander: I just, I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following—Is that Brad Konig? Huh! Hey Brad, who'd have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog?
Brad: Screw you, Harris.
Harmony: You should know all about being somebody's lapdog. I hear you were a good little puppy for Dracula.
Xander: Shut up, Harmony!
Harmony: Make me.
Xander: Fraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you.
Harmony: You're the hair-puller, you big girl!
Buffy: Harmony...Harmony has minions?
Xander: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
Buffy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just...Harmony has minions!
Xander: And Ruffles have ridges. Uh, Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
Buffy: I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing. What is it?
Xander: Well, she did come here to kill you.
Xander: Uh, yeah, actually, she -- Harmony -- kind of happened to sort of get an invite.
Buffy: You guys can't invite her in. I mean, only someone who lives here can—Where is she?
Harmony: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.
Peaches: Who're you growling at?
Cyrus: Not me, my stomach. If I don't eat somebody soon, I-I'll get dizzy.
Spike: Well. Hello, Harm.
Harmony: Spikey. I mean, Spike.
Spike: Long time. You look good.
Harmony: I feel good.
Spike: I remember.
Mort: Why are you talking to him?
Harmony: It's okay, we used to go steady. Spike, Mort. Mort, this is—
Mort: I know who he is. He kills our kind.
Harmony: Oh yeah! What's up with that?
Spike: Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort.
Harmony: Mort, just give us...a couple minutes, 'kay? He's really testy. Some of us were thinking of voting him out of the gang.
Harmony: Oh, yeah. I've got my own gang now.
Spike: Is that what those circus freaks are?
Harmony: Uh huh. I mean...shut up! We're gonna kill the slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's, uh...well, let's face it, it's adorable.
Harmony: You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now. There comes a time in every woman's life when she realizes she needs to take the next step. I've taken it. I've found the real me...
and I like her.
Spike: Hope you'll be very happy together. In the meantime, save slayer slaying for the professionals.
Harmony: You'll see. Buffy'll be dead by sunrise. I've got a plan.
Spike: Lemme guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?
Harmony: No! Much, much better one. (Spike looks skeptical.) I'm not gonna tell you!
Spike: Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.
Harmony: I'll do that. And after Buffy is gone? I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me...Spike!
Riley: That's a lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating twenty minutes ago.
Buffy: Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep.
Xander: Buff, I left word with Willow. She'll come do a return engagement of her uninvitation spell. She probably still has the stuff from last week. And bang, boom, you're back in the Fortress of Solitude. All better.
Buffy: No. Not all better. I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house." I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.
Xander: People slip, Buffy. Your mom did. She invited in the mas—Dracula—In for coffee.
Riley: She's just a kid.
Buffy: You know, will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but somehow, I still managed to remember the rules.
Riley: You had to. It was your job.
Buffy: No. No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world, well you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed. She just has to be more careful. Now, I can't be there to protect her 24 hours a day. I-I just can't.
Harmony: All right, once again, nice work, minionators. I'm really, really proud of you guys. Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest...comfortable?
Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall.
Harmony: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever? Anyway...I'm feeling really good about this new plan, people. I think it's a winner.
Cyrus: When do we eat the girl?
Harmony: We don't. Not yet.
Cyrus: Why not?
Harmony: Because! That's not the plan! Do I have to go over the plan again? We use the sister as bait. We send Buffy a note-
Peaches: More notes?
Harmony: We send Buffy a note, telling her that if she wants to see her sister again, she has to come alone to a place we choose. She comes, we jump her, we kill her.
Buffy: Where is she?
Spike: At least lay off the nose. Okay! Okay! Used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site...Ow!! I was telling you the truth!
Buffy: I know.
Harmony: They don't respect me. They pretend they do, but deep down they think I'm nothing. I mean, I'm the one who put this group together. Me! But they treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
Dawn: A little.
Harmony: They have no idea how much pressure I'm under. I have to make all the hard decisions. And it's hard!
Harmony: Excuse me, I didn't hear anybody knock.
Mort: We've been talking it over, and we decided we don't like this plan.
Peaches: Except for Brad. He abstained.
Harmony: Oh really? You have a plan you like better?
Mort: We're gonna feed on the girl and kill you.
Harmony: So, slayer, at last we meet.
Buffy: We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
Harmony: I'm the halfwit? Um, excuse me, but look who's fallen into my–Trap.
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad...you suck.
Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Dawn: Yeah, well...I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped....
Dawn: (voiceover) Buffy probably would've gotten in way more trouble than me anyway. But I guess it was pretty okay of her not to say anything to mom. Anya's gonna be okay, and Xander wasn't mad at me. So stuff mostly worked out.
Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer ... and, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus. Increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy:: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
Buffy: Don't. Break. Anything. Just don't touch anything.
Dawn: (voiceover) Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would.
Buffy: What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
Dawn: (voiceover) She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.
previous
prev episode
next episode
next