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Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S5/Ep1 (79)
"Buffy vs. Dracula"

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Buffy: Ha! Touchdown! Oh yeah. Go team me.
Riley: Anybody ever tell team you the quarterback throws like a girl?
Buffy: I do?
Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running...Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
Willow: Game over?
Riley: Uh, Buffy slayed the football.
Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow: Ignis incende.
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch-fu.
Willow: There you go. All set.
Giles: Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me.
Willow: Just call me the computer whisperer. Let's get scannin'. I want to see this puppy go.
Giles: Start with those.
Willow: Start? Where is finish?
Giles: Willow, it's essential that we begin archiving the library. I mean, most of these texts have no duplicates.
Willow: But...now? Doesn't winter seem more like archiving season?
Willow: It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. You know? Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life.
Giles: That's what I'm trying to do, actually, is, um, get a life.
Giles: Willow, um...you mustn't repeat what I'm about to say. Especially not to Buffy.
Willow: Uh-oh.
Giles: You promise?
Willow: Oh, god. Well, I guess. Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?
Giles: Did that mean yes?
Willow: Yeah.
Giles: We're doing all this because I, I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I'm, I'm going back to England.
Willow: You're...what? But you can't! You're...Buffy's Watcher! I mean, in a fired way, but...
Giles: Well, it's become quite obvious that Buffy doesn't need me. I-I don't say that in a self-pitying way, I'm, I'm quite proud, actually.
Willow: But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched! Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
Buffy: Thanks, Mom. Everything was yummy.
Joyce: Hey, you up for dessert? We could, uh, take a drive, get some ice cream.
Buffy: You know, I, I would, but I kinda have to get out on patrol.
Joyce: Now? It's 8:30.
Buffy: Well, vamps don't really care what time it is. You know, dark equals dinner bell.
Stranger: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Stranger: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Stranger: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Stranger: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!
Willow: Xand ... what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone.
Xander: News flash, Will. Everybody knows.
Willow: No, thi-this isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh. Well, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.
Willow: Sorry, this is of the non-naughty variety. And I'm not telling you.
Buffy: So lemme get this straight. You're..."Dracula." The guy, the count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? Cause...I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula: You know who I am. As I would now without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You're heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy: Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned...killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I...paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?
Dracula: Perhaps, but your power is rooted in darkness. You must feel it.
Buffy: No. You know what I feel? Bored.
Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of dark prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Vun, two, three...three victims. Mwa ha ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was...just jokin' around.
Xander: And then Buffy's all, "Look out!" And then frigging Dracula's standing right behind us.
Willow: And then, he lunges at us, like whoosh!
Xander: He totally looked shorter in person.
Buffy: I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count Famous heard of me.
Riley: I couldn't believe it the first twenty times you told us, but it's starting to sink in now.
Buffy: I'm sorry. Am I repeat-o-girl? I was just...blown away.
Riley: It's not that surprising that he's heard of you, Buffy. You are the slayer.
Buffy: I guess. Just...the way he said it, you know, I mean, he made it sound so...
Willow: Sexy? I bet he made it sound sexy.
Buffy: Kinda. He of the dark penetrating eyes and lilty accent.
Xander: I wonder if he knows Frankenstein.
Tara: You thought Dracula was sexy?
Willow: Oh! No. He, he was...yuck.
Anya: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing? Yucko.
Willow: No big whoop? What about that thing where he turned himself into a bat? That was awesome!
Giles: It must have been, yes. (Everyone looks at him) I must admit, I'm sorry I missed that. Didn't you guys...think that?
Buffy: Actually, I was more thinking, 'Bat!'
Giles: There's a great deal of myth about Dracula. I imagine the trick to defeating him lies in separating the fact from the fiction.
Willow: Great point! That is so Giles, to think of something like that, you know? That, that we...would have never...
Buffy: So we hold off. No killing until we know exactly what we're dealing with.
Riley: You're not just saying that because of those dark penetrating eyes of his, are you?
Buffy: Noooo, his eyes were...There were - there was no penetration. Cross my heart.
Riley: What's your plan?
Buffy: Big sleep. My count encounter wiped me out.
Riley: I'm kinda wired. Maybe I should just let you get your rest.
Buffy: You sure? I mean, maybe if you just lie down with me...
Riley: Nothing you are about to say will lead to rest.
Anya: I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like seven hundred or so.
But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?
Xander: Adorable.
Anya: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan.
Anya: You should just mention my name if you see him again.
Xander: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up? Then you two can talk private.
Xander: You don't wanna come back to my place?
Anya: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.
Xander: Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.
Xander: Okay, let's do it. And no poofing. Come on, puffy shirt Pucker on up, cause you can kiss your
pale ass-
Dracula: Silence.
Xander: Yes master. No, that's not-
Dracula: You will be my emissary, my eyes and ears in daylight.
Xander: Your emissary?
Dracula: Serve me well. You will be rewarded. I will make you an immortal. A child of darkness that
feeds on life itself...on blood.
Xander: "Blood"? Yes! Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness...Or master. I'll just stick with master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.
Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing.
Riley: You know him?
Spike: Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what. That glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us. You know, the mirror bit?
Spike: Drac's in Sunnydale-way? I guess the old boy needed closure after all.
Riley: Actually, he's gunning for Buffy. But I'm out to find him before he gets another shot at her.
Spike: Tough talk, cowboy. But you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the count has to have his luxury estate and his bug-eaters and his special dirt, don't he?
Dracula: You are magnificent.
Buffy: I bet you say that before you bite all the girls.
Dracula: No, you are different. Kindred.
Buffy: This isn't how I ... usually fight. You think you can just waft in here with your music video wind and your hypno-eyes...
Dracula: I have searched the world over for you. I have yearned for you. For a creature whose darkness rivals my own.
Dracula: You have been tasted.
Buffy: He was-
Dracula: Unworthy. He let you go. But the embrace...his bite...you remember.
Dracula: Do not fight. I can feel your hunger.
Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the dark master...bator.
Willow: OK. Dracula's modus operandi is different from other vampires. He will kill just to feed, but he'd rather have a connection with his victims. And he has all of these mental powers to draw them in. He, he can read and control minds...
appear in dreams...
Buffy: Uh huh.
Willow: Makes sense. That stare...he just kinda...looked right through you. Didn't you feel it, Buffy?
Buffy: No...No, I didn't.
Xander: See! Buffy didn't feel it. I think you're drawing a low of crazy conclusions about the unholy prince...bator
Giles: The point is, though he goes through the motions of an intimate seduction, the end result is the same. He turns them into a vampire.
Xander: Well. That *is* intimate. Dracula's gifting these ladies with his own blood. And blood, blood is life...According to them.
Giles: Um ... Just be aware that he, he tends to form a relationship with his prey. It's not enough for him to take her. She must want to be taken. She must...burn for him.
Buffy: That's...interesting. I'm gonna go find him.
Riley: Hey. Take off that scarf.
Buffy: What? No.
Riley: You're under the thrall of the Dark Prince!
Buffy: I am not under the thrall of the Dark Prince.
Riley: Then take off the scarf.
Giles: Why didn't you say anything?
Xander: Cause she didn't want to worry us, right Buffster? It's nothin'. Just a scratch.
Willow: Two deep, puncture-y scratches.
Xander: You're saying Dracula has some sort of freaky mind control over her? You're watching too many creature features, man.
Riley: No, that's okay. I shouldn't take this personally. I mean, what with Angel, I mean, it's understandable that there would be transference. I mean, they're both broody immortals.
Buffy: I am not transfer-y. I swear to you. I'm your girl, and I'm gonna stay that way.
Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale.
Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.
Joyce: I'm not like this. I don't invite strange men over for coffee, it's just...Oh, when you girls are older you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you just...feel like giving up on men altogether.
Anya: How come I have to be here slayer-sitting while the other guys get to look for Dracula?
Xander: I'm supposed to deliver you to the master now. There's this whole deal where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.
Xander: Master? I deliver the slayer. She who you most desire...Sorry, whom. So now comes the immortality, right? You do the thing, and-
Dracula: Leave us.
Dracula: I knew you'd come.
Buffy: Why? Because I'm under your thrall? Well, guess again, pal.
Dracula: Put the stake down.
Buffy: Okay. Right. That...was not...you. I did that. I did that because...I wanted to. Maybe I should rethink that thrall thing.
Riley: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
Giles: Uh, a castle?
Riley: A big honking castle.
Dracula: Do you know why you cannot resist?
Buffy: Cause you're famous?
Dracula: Because you do not want to.
Dracula: There is so much I have to teach you. Your history, your power, what your body is capable of...
Buffy: I don't need to know.
Dracula: You long to. And you will have eternity to discover yourself. But first ... a little taste.
Buffy: I won't let you.
Dracula: I didn't mean for me.
Xander: Nobody harms my master.
Riley: Your master?
Xander: You want him? You come through me.
Riley: Okey-dokey.
Giles: Oh, good show, Giles. Uh...at least you didn't get knocked out for a change.
Giles: You would...be the three sisters, yes? E-excellent, right. Uh, I'd heard that you were myth... obviously erroneous.
Dracula: All those years fighting us. Your power so near to our own...and you've never once wanted to know what it is that we fight for? Never even a taste?
Dracula: You think you know...what you are...what's to come. You haven't even begun. Find it. The darkness. Find your true nature.
Buffy: Wow...That was gross.
Dracula: You are resisting.
Buffy: Looks like.
Dracula: Come here. Come to me.
Buffy: You know, I really think the thrall has gone out of our relationship. But I want to thank you for opening up my eyes a little.
Dracula: What is this?
Buffy: My true nature. You want a taste?
Giles: Thank god you came.
Riley: Come on!
Giles: There was no possible escape. Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop-
Riley: No no no, sir! No more chick pit for you. Come on.
Buffy: A guy like you should think about going electric. Seriously.
Buffy: How do you like my darkness now?
Riley: Buffy! You okay?
Buffy: Yeah. Chock full of free will.
Giles: And Dracula?
Buffy: Eurotrashed.
Xander: Where is he?? Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Riley: It coulda been worse. At least you weren't making time with the dracu-babes like Giles here.
Giles: I was not making time! I, I was, uh, just about to kill those, uh, loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
Riley: You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
Buffy: You think I don't watch your movies? You always come back.
Buffy: You haven't been my Watcher for a while. I haven't been training...and I haven't really needed to come to you for help.
Giles: I agree.
Buffy: And then this whole thing with Dracula...it made me face up to some stuff. Ever since we did that spell where we called on the first slayer...I've been going out a lot. Every night.
Giles: Patrolling?
Buffy: Hunting. That's ... what Dracula called it. And he was right. He understood my power better than I do. He saw darkness in it. I need to know more. About where I come from, about the other slayers. I mean, maybe...maybe if I could learn to control this thing, I could be stronger, I could be better. But...I'm scared. I know it's gonna be hard. And I can't do it...without you. I need your help. I need you to be my Watcher again. Boy, I just, I just keep talking, don't I? I'm sorry, you-you had something you wanted to say?
Giles: No...it's nothing.
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Joyce: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy and Dawn: Mom!
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