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Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S4/Ep11 (67)
"Doomed"

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Buffy: Somebody should speak before one of us graduates.
Riley: What are you?
Buffy: Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?
Riley: Sorry. That came out a little blunter than I intended. It’s just...you are amazing! Your speed, your strength.
Buffy: Also passionate, artistic and inquisitive.
Buffy: Who are you?
Riley: You know who I am. The rest...what I do...I can’t tell you.
Buffy: Well, then let me. You’re part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires, probably have some official sounding euphemisms for them...like unfriendlies or non-sapiens.
Riley: Hostile Sub Terrestrials.
Buffy: So you deliver these—HST’s to a bunch of lab coats, who perform experiments on them, which among other things turn some into harmless little bunnies. How am I doing so far?
Riley: A little too well.
Buffy: Meanwhile by day you pretend to be Riley Finn, corn-fed Iowa boy. Ever been to Iowa, Riley? God, if that’s even your name.
Riley: It is, born and raised. And hey—bulletin—I’m not the only one who’s been a little less than honest here.
Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would have figured it out by now. I’m the Slayer...Slay-er?...Chosen One....She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries? You’re kidding. Ask around. Look it up: Slayer, comma, The.
Riley: And you fight demons. I mean, you waled on those guys.
Buffy: You did pretty well yourself.
Riley: But I’m a walking bruise today. You see me with my clothes off I look like...I mean...I have bruises...I don’t see a scratch on you.
Buffy: You’re not looking hard enough.
Riley: I’m looking pretty hard.
Riley: So then... What do we do?
Buffy: I don’t know. I just...I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
Riley: I am a nice, normal guy.
Buffy: Maybe by this town’s standards but I’m not grading on a curve. I think we both need a little time to process everything.
Riley: Wow. That was some ride. Sorry I’m so excited. This is my first earthquake.
Buffy: It’s not mine.
Spike: Sodden sleeping chair is bloody...sodden.
Xander: The quake just knocked a couple of pipes lose. There is a wrench hanging up over there by the workbench. Try tightening the coupling.
Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch that doesn’t lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Xander: Mock not. Remember who pays for the plasma around here, pal. You earn your keep or you don’t get kept. When you’re done fixing that leak, try cleaning up this mess. And doing a little laundry for once wouldn’t kill you unfortunately.
Willow: Hey! I was in the library during the quake, almost got buried under some 19th century literature. And I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to dig through some of that stuff.
Willow: Well, Porter dorm is completely blacked out. So naturally they are dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: Aftershock Party.
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the "Somebody Sneezed" party and the "Day That Ends in Y" party.
Willow: They do seem to be pretty generous with the milestones.
Willow: Hey, you should ask Riley to come! Much carousing by flattering candle light.
Buffy: Ah, Riley is...um...busy. I’m pretty sure. But you know, you go on ahead, and I’ll catch up with you there. I’m on my way for a little Giles one-on-one.
Willow: Anything wrong?
Buffy: Wrong? No, mm-mm, not at all.
Buffy: Something horrible is going to happen, Giles.
Giles: It was an earthquake, Buffy. A not uncommon occurrence in southern California. No reason to think it was anything more.
Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darn good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Giles: Yes, I know that and therefore I completely understand your anxiety.
Buffy: Oh, good. Because I’d hate for my little untimely horrible death concern to be ambiguous,
Giles: But unless evidence suggests otherwise, I think that we can assume that it’s shifting landmasses and not a portent of some imminent doom.
Giles: Now based on the locations of our various sightings, and Spike’s reluctant description of their underground installation.
Buffy: What if the quake was a sign? Ah, a bad omen and we just ignore it? There is going to be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.
Giles: Buffy, if the quake heralds some such catastrophe, I’m sure there will be other signs to follow, which will afford us plenty of time to avert it. Now, I believe that the commando installation is either very close to, or directly underneath your school, now if that is the case I’m convinced that one or more of them may be in your very midst.
Buffy: Plague!
Giles: What?
Buffy: What if the end of the world is coming in the form of a plague? Then too many people may be infected by the time we actually...
Giles: Buffy! Will you stop worrying about what may be and concentrate on what is!
Riley: What’s a Slayer?
Forrest: Slayer? Thrash Band. Anvil handed guitar band with delusions of Black Sabbath.
Riley: No. A girl. With powers.
Forrest: Oh. The Slayer. Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of the Slayer.
Riley: Fill me in.
Forrest: Well, the way I got it figured the Slayer is like some kind of boogey man for the Subterrestrials,
something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits.
Riley: You’re telling me she doesn’t exist.
Forrest: Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody’s bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny? Sorry, sorry, it’s a myth, Rye. All part of that medieval folklore garbage kooks dream up to explain things we deal with every day.
Riley: How do you explain the things we deal with, Forrest?
Forrest: They’re just animals, man, plain and simple. Granted they’re a little rarer than the one’s you grew up with on that little farm in Smallville...
Forrest: What’s that racket?
Riley: Animals rattling their cages. Doing it all day. Wonder what’s got them all worked up.
Forrest: Earthquakes man, make everybody crazy.
Willow: Hi. Some party, huh?
Laurie: It’s okay.
Percy: How’s Oz?
Willow: Oh, actually, Oz is...
Percy: Uhm, listen – we’re going to get some drinks. Cool to see you.
College Guy: Hey, you guys serious about naked limbo? I’m in.
Willow: (to herself) Buffy, where are you?
Laurie: (voice over) Why? So I can watch you flirt with that red head?
Percy: (voice over) What, Rosenberg? Yea, right. She’s just some egghead who tutored me a little in high school I mean, she’s nice, but, come on, Captain of the nerd squad.
Laurie: Well, I don’t know. Maybe you have a thing for geeks.
Percy: No, I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned.
Xander: Spike, what is it, what happened?
Spike: Don’t look at me...I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers. I hate this place.
Xander: You know I’m not any happier about you wearing my stuff than you are.
Spike: Go out, get me some decent stuff, and I want more blood.
Xander: No! You’re not a guest.
Spike: You want me to tear this place apart, you bloody poof?
Xander: That’s it! I am way past due with you. I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you’re not the big bad anymore, you’re not even the kind of naughty. You’re nothing but a waste of space—my space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I’m here to tell you something...You’re not even worth it. I’m out of here.
Willow: I’m so glad you’re here.
Buffy: What happened?
Willow: I found him—this guy on the bed with me. Dead. Not me dead, he dead.
Buffy: God. Are you okay? Vampire?
Willow: There was so much blood, and there-there was a symbol, and Percy said I was a nerd!
Buffy: Percy called you a nerd?
Willow: I guess we should report to Giles, get with the demon tracking.
Buffy: Does he even go here?
Forrest: Okay, that makes 0 for a billion. You don’t got game, son. What’s going on in that head of yours?
Riley: I’m just trying to...make up my mind about something...Buffy–she’s pretty cool, isn’t she?
Forrest: Yes already, she’s cool, she’s hot, she is tepid, she’s all-temperature Buffy. Now can we concentrate on the game here?”
Graham: We have an alpha code blue situation.
Riley: One of ours?
Graham: Negative. Civilian at the Porter hall party.
Forrest: HST attack?
Graham: Can not confirm that. I couldn’t get close without drawing attention to myself.
Forrest: Should we mobilize?
Riley: No, I’ll go. Do a little recon. See if it falls in our domain. You alert Prof. Walsh. Tell her we have a casualty of an indeterminate nature. Let's not make a move until we get the whole story.
Willow: It just made me feel like I was right back in high school.
Xander: Dumb jock! If it wasn’t for you he still would be.
Willow: I mean, I know the Percy thing isn’t really important, it’s the...dead guy on the bed.
Xander: Yeah, that’s bad, too.
Willow: Ooh, and something else. He, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I’m thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy’s blood with it. And I haven’t been a nerd for a very long time! Hello dating a guitarist...or, I was.
Buffy: Tell me about this symbol.
Willow: Right, it was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
Xander: It’s kind of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
Buffy: I’m telling you I’ve seen this somewhere before, I just can’t remember where! I mean, it’s like...
Giles: It’s the end of the world.
Buffy/Willow/Xander: (in unison) Again?
Giles: It’s ah, the earthquake, that symbol...yes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said end of the world and you’re like "poo-poo southern California, poo-poo!"
Giles: I’m so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Giles: It’s the end of the world, everyone dies. It’s rather important really.
Willow: So what do we do?
Buffy: I stop it.
Buffy: I wonder where I’ve seen this before? Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff of the sides of mausoleums, big freaky cereal boxes of death.
Buffy: Where did it go?
Riley: I saw it take off towards the woods.
Buffy: And you didn’t follow it?
Riley: No weapons, no backup, you don’t go after a demon that size by yourself.
Buffy: I do.
Riley: Yeah, well, I’m no Slayer.
Riley: (into radio) Base one, this is lilac one.
Buffy: Lilac?
Riley: Confirmed sighting of an unidentified Sub-T. Mobilize patrol team for debriefing at zero-800 hours.
Radio: Copy that.
Buffy: Very commandory—lilac not withstanding.
Buffy: What are you doing here?
Riley: Looking for you, she who hangs out in cemeteries.
Buffy: Riley, I just... can’t.
Riley: Can’t talk?
Buffy: Can’t any of it. I can’t be with you. It’s just a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can’t go there again.
Riley: Again? You’ve dated me before?
Buffy: You don’t know what my life is like.
Riley: But I’m dying to find out.
Buffy: Dying being the operative word here. Okay, there is too much risk. There is too much... It’s just doomed! And I can’t do doomed again right now. Sorry.
Riley: Buffy, I’m thrown by this, I’m confused...But I can feel my skin humming, my hands, my every inch of me. I’ve never been this excited about anybody before. I’m not trying to scare you, and I’m not going to force myself on you. But I’m, by God, not going to walk away because I think it might not work. I don’t know what’s happened in your past...
Buffy: Pain, death, apocalypse. None of it fun. Do you know what a Hellmouth is? Do you have a fancy term for it? Because I went to high school on it, for three years. We do not have that much in common. This is a job to you.
Riley: It’s not just a job.
Buffy: It’s an adventure, great. But for me, it’s destiny. It is something that I can’t change, something that I can’t escape. I’m stuck!
Riley: You don’t have to be. You’re not in high school anymore. You can change things.
Buffy: Riley, no.
Riley: I know it may seem...
Buffy: Riley! My answer is no.
Giles: A Vahrall demon.
Willow: Eew!
Xander: I second that revulsion.
Giles: Yes. "Slick like gold and gird in moonlight, father of portents and brother to blight".
Buffy: "Limbs with talons, eyes like knives, bane to the blameless, thief of lives".
Riley: Three meters tall, approximately 100 –120 kilograms, based on my visual analysis.
Graham: Special hazards?
Riley: Unknown. Probably nothing we haven’t handled before. There is no pattern we can discern yet, so we got to assume that it is on a basic kill-crush-destroy.
Buffy: This thing isn’t digging up the bones of a child for fun.
Xander: Well, a demon’s got some pretty hilarious ideas about fun.
Willow: Bones of a child though. I saw that! An ancient ritual–uses the blood of a man, the bones of a child and—something called the Word of Valios? I-It’s all part of the sacrifice- the sacrifice of three.
Buffy: Let me guess—ends the world.
Willow: Well, yeah...I-it’s not big with the details, though. It doesn’t say how the world ends
or what the ritual entails exactly.
Xander: The sacrifice of three...Three people are going to die?
Buffy: No, they won’t. Because claw boy is not getting all of his ingredients. We have to find that third one, the Word of Valios, keep him from getting it.
Willow: If he doesn’t already have it. I mean, who knows where he’s been?
Riley: Here is one for the good guys: this thing has a pheromone signature a mile wide. Agent Gates has been working with the detection system the lab’s developing.
Forrest: Can’t tell where it’s going, but I’ve got a bead on where it’s been. Residual traces showing up in populated areas. The thing’s not shy.
Riley: We’re going out in civies, day clothes only guys. Weapons stowed in packs, keep ‘em out of sight til nightfall. Remember this isn’t a capture, it’s a kill.
Forrest: Get your quadrant assignment from me. We’ll blanket the town.
Buffy: I’ll check the magic shop. See if they’ve heard of a book called the Word of Valios. Willow, Xander,
how about the book archives at the museum?
Xander: We’ll stop at my place on the way, get some weapons, and I’ll change into something that isn’t
quite as anchovy scented.
Buffy: You guys this thing takes wicked very seriously. Be careful. I couldn’t stand anybody getting hurt.
Spike: Good bye, Dru. See you in hell.
Willow: What are you doing?
Spike: Bloody rot. Can’t a person knock?
Willow: What were you doing?
Xander: You were trying to stake yourself!
Spike: Fag off! It’s no concern of yours.
Xander: Is, too. For one thing that’s my shirt you’re about to dust. For another, we’ve shared a lot here.
You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Xander: What? He wants to die, I want to help.
Willow: It’s ooky. We know him, we can’t just let him poof himself!
Spike: Oh, but you can. You know I’d drain you drier than the Sahara if I had half a chance. And besides, I’m beyond pathetic. Stuck in this basement washing skivvies for a blighter I wouldn’t have bothered to bite a few months ago.
Xander: Hey!
Spike: I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth.
Willow: Well, the shirt is kinda...not very threatening...and the short pants, but you know it could also be because I know you can’t bite, which I guess isn’t really what you need to hear right now, is it?
Spike: Stop, please, just clear out.
Xander: Fine. But you break anything else while we’re gone and you’ll be sleeping in the garage, buster.
Willow: We can’t leave him here like this! We’ll have to take him with us to the museum.
Spike: Oh, you go on. I won’t do anything. I feel better now. Promise.
Xander: Think of the happy. If we don’t find what we’re looking for, we face an apocalypse.
Spike: Really? You’re not just saying that?
Buffy: Is this really the time for Donkey Kong?
Riley: What? Oh. It, ah, takes trace readings of creatures pheromones.
Buffy: And?
Riley: And it’s either mating season for this thing or it’s moving all over town.
Buffy: Actually I need to go. Big bad, needs to be squished.
Riley: Right. I’m on it, too. It’s just - this thing, this you and me thing, it’s Stupid!
Buffy: I know. Which is why we can’t do it, the you and me thing.
Riley: No, I mean you’re stupid. I mean...I don’t mean that. No, I think maybe I do.
Riley: Buffy, where is the bad here? It just turns out we are even more well matched than we thought we were. I mean, you’re a...fry cook and so am I!
Buffy: Yeah, but you’re an amateur...fry cook and I come form a long line of fry cooks that don’t live past twenty-five.
Riley: Which is exactly the attitude I’m talking about. Look, I know the risks of what we do. I also know it’s more rewarding than any other job on the planet—and fun.
Buffy: Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job.
Riley: I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take your work seriously.
Buffy: That I should just turn my frown upside down? Is that it? I wish I could. But this isn’t the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at the end of the night and snuggle with your honey.
Riley: But why? Why can’t it be?
Buffy: Because I’ve tried it, okay? And every time it just fell apart. And then I get sucked right back in to the Uber-evil.
Riley: Welcome to the story of the world. Things fall apart Buffy. And evil—it comes and goes. But the way people manage is, they don’t do it alone. They pull each other through. If you weren’t so self involved you’d see that.
Buffy: You have no idea what you’re talking about. You barely know me.
Riley: I know that it’s not just a job thing. I’m sure that there is some good looking guy that done you wrong in there, too. But mostly I think you want to stay down in that dark place because maybe it’s safer down there.
Buffy: You are so out of line.
Riley: No. See I don’t think so. Look, we have an opportunity here, you and me, and the fact that you’re to scared to even give it a try..
Buffy: Is my business. So why don’t you just leave me alone?
Riley: Fair enough.
Willow: Great. No Word of Valios.
Xander: Not even a syllable of Valios.
Spike: Which means I’m one step closer to melting in a sea of molten hellfire, yeah?
Willow: You shouldn’t talk like that. Yeah, okay, so you can’t kill anymore, but there are other fun things you can do. You’ll adjust.
Spike: Adjust? And what? End up like the two of you? No thank you.”
Spike: I should think you would be glad to greet the end of days. I mean, neither one of you is making much of a go at it. You. Kids your age are going off to University, you’ve made it as far as the basement. And Red here—you couldn’t even keep dog-boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...
Willow: I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to get us to dust you.
Spike: Am not! I just don’t want pity from geeks more useless than I am.
Willow: We’re not useless! We-we help people. We fight the forces of evil!
Spike: Buffy fights the forces of evil. You’re her groupies. She’d do just as well without you—better I’d wager, since she wouldn’t have to go about saving your hides all the time.
Xander: That is no not true! We’re part of the team. She needs us.
Spike: Or you’re just the same tenth grade losers you’ve always been, and she’s too much of a softy to cut you lose.
Giles: Oh—as usual—dear.
Buffy: What happened?
Giles: It’s my fault. I should have known.
Buffy: Giles...
Giles: The Word of Valios is the name of a talisman not a book. I blame myself entirely. I had it here.
Xander: You had it here? Okay, first I thought you were being to hard on yourself, but...
Giles: Oh, thank you. I bought it at a sorcerer’s estate sale. I really only glanced at it once. I thought it was a knock off.
Giles: They’re on their way to perform the sacrifice now.
Buffy: On their way where? You found out what the ritual is for?
Giles: The Hellmouth. They are going to open the Hellmouth. The one in the library.
Buffy: Looks like we’re going back to high school.
Buffy: Be careful you guys, the place doesn’t look to stable.
Spike: Fine by me. Hope we all go under.
Buffy: Why is he even here. It’s not like he can fight!
Willow: If we leave him alone, he’ll stake himself.
Buffy: And that’s bad because...? Fine. Whatever. Just keep him out of the way. I do not have time for this.
Buffy: Okay – you guys ready?
Xander: Lets rock and roll.
Spike: Lets rock and roll.
Xander: Sunnydale High. These walls—if they were still walls, what stories they could tell. Eew! Mayor meat. Extra crispy.
Xander: Okay, I guess I won...The demons! They are the sacrifice!
Spike: No pain! I can hurt a demon! That’s right. I’m back. And I’m a BLOODY ANIMAL! Yeah!
Willow: Spike, not in the hole!
Spike: What? I was helping!
Buffy: Don’t let it jump into the Hellmouth!
Buffy: I’m going in.
Riley: You’re coming back out.
Riley: Well, hey! Willow—and Xander, right? Jeez, what are the chances, huh? Yeah, I was just passing
by when I thought I heard people inside.
Willow: Passing by in your GI Joe outfit?
Buffy: No offence, but you do look wicked conspicuous.
Riley: I do? But it’s...Paintball! Yeah, I was playing paintball. And then the aftershocks...
Xander: So you’re one of the commando guys, huh?
Riley: Oh, no, no, no, no. Commando? No, I mean...Don’t I know you?
Spike: Me? No. No, sir. I’m just an old pal of Xander’s here.
Riley: Oh. That’s nice.
Xander: It’s kinda weird being back, isn’t it?
Willow: Yeah. Everything seems so small...and more charred and ruiny.
Buffy: You never called. So I didn’t know...
Riley: Oh, hey. I’m sorry. I’m just–I’m a dead man. Secret. Highly. Or it’s supposed to be. And-and then you find out. I can deal. You’re special. But last night with your friends was a disaster. I mean, could I’ve been less convincing? I was trained to be sneaky and stuff, and I’m like "Hi! Paintball Just passing by!" I should have just given them my security code and rank!
Buffy: You have a security code and rank?
Riley: No. Did I just say..? This is so not good. Everybody knows about me. I’m finished. It’s the end of the world.
Buffy: No, it’s not.
Spike: What’s this? Sitting around watching the telly while there’s evil still a foot. That’s not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can’t go without your Buffy, is that it? To chicken? Let’s find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let’s annihilate them. For justice...and for...the safety of puppies...and Christmas, right? Let’s fight that evil! Let’s kill something! Oh, come on!
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