home wallpapers fan videos icons quotes & sounds screencaps links contact me		Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1/Ep4 (4) "Teachers Pet" prev episode next episode Buffy: You hurt your hand! Will you still be able to... Xander: ...finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before? Dr. Gregory: Their ancestors were here long before we were. Their progeny will be here long after we are gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant. Buffy: Ways that ants communicate. Dr. Gregory: Mm. Buffy: With other ants. Dr. Gregory: From the homework. Ants are communicating... Buffy: Um, uh, uh...touch... Dr. Gregory: Mm-hmm. Buffy: And, um...B.O.? Dr. Gregory: That would be "touch" and "smell", Miss Summers. Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg would like to tell you? Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school? Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't? Dr. Gregory: Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium...Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record. Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny! Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.. Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me. Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record. Whadaya say? Blayne: Home for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me. Xander: Something like a lobotomy? Blayne: Xander. How many times you score? Xander: Well, uh... Blayne: It's just a question. Xander: Are we talking today, or the whole week? Buffy: What are you doing? Xander: Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual. Willow: We'll show him! Xander: Who's that? Willow: That must be Angel! I think? Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires? Willow: That's him, I'll bet you. Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff! Willow: You think he's buff? Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up? Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib. Angel: I won't be long. Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and the disappear into the night. Right? Buffy: What happened? Angel: I didn't pay attention. Buffy: To somebody with a big fork? Angel: He's coming. Buffy: The Fork Guy? Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out. Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic! Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy? Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy. Giles: I think there are too many "guys" in your life. Giles: God, every day here is the same. Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment? Giles: Really. Xander: Mornin'. Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo, those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look. Buffy: What happened, is he sick? Xander: They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing. Buffy: He's missing? Xander: Well, let me think. Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got...Yeah! Yeah, they said missing. Willow: He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon. Natalie: I'm looking for Science...109. Xander: Oh! It's, um...I go there every day! Oh, God, where is it? Blayne: Hi! Blayne Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the varsity field where I took All-City last year. Natalie: Oh! Thank you, Blayne! Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. Willow: What's wrong? Buffy: Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses...Why wouldn't he pick them up? Buffy: Do you know when he's coming back? Natalie: No, I don't, um, Buffy. They just call and tell me where they want me. Blayne: I'll tell you where I want you. Natalie: Excuse me, Blayne? Natalie: The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy? Buffy: Well, the words "bug-ugly" kinda spring to mind. Natalie: There is nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is because they're cannibals! Oh, well, it's hardly their fault! It's the way nature designed them: noble, solitary and prolific. Over 1800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them the female is larger and more aggressive than the male. Blayne: Nothing wrong with an aggressive female. Natalie: The California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate...to fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sack and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger. Now, if she's done her job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring. Natalie: You know, we should make some model egg sacks for the science fair. Who would like to help me do that after school? Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart. Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs. Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. Xander: You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man. Buffy: Oh, I understand. Xander: Good! Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements! Xander: What surgical improvements? Willow: Well, he is young. Buffy: And so terribly innocent! Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who...can do. Blayne: Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right, tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call natural selection. Xander: Guess it's what they call a rehearsal! Cordelia: Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily...I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath. Cordelia: His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head?! Willow: Who would wanna hurt Dr. Gregory? Giles: Uh, he didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of. He was a civilized man. I liked him. Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but...where did they put his head? Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that. Buffy: Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork? Giles: I don't know what he replaced it with. Giles: There was an incident two nights ago...uh, involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded, but, uh, nothing like Dr. Gregory. Buffy: Fork Guy doesn't do heads. Giles: Not historically. Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island. Buffy: We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing. Giles: You went hunting last night. Buffy: Yes. Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't. Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on. Giles: Did you see someone with a fork? Buffy: More like a jumbo claw. Giles: Oh. Well, uh, at least you're not hurt. Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory? Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way. Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover. Buffy: So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand...How many things am I afraid of? Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule. Mr. Flutie: You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you? Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him... Mr. Flutie: Don't say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please. Mr. Flutie: Extremely late! You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor. Buffy: But I really don't need... Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching. Mr. Flutie: No, you have to talk to a counselor and start the healing. You have to heal. Buffy: But Mr. Flutie, I... Mr. Flutie: Heal! Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was...let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Natalie: I think you meant "pollination" for number fourteen. I'll see you here after school. Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist. Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me. Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life. Natalie: I have a teacher's conference in half an hour, and I left the paint and papier-mâché at home. I don't suppose you'd like to come to my place tonight to work on it there? Buffy: Dig this "The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by." Ha! Well, c'mon, guys. Ha! Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug? Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped. Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator. Willow: It's the shoulder pads. Buffy: Exactly. Giles: If you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter. On a helpful note, I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, with advanced degrees in entomology mythology. Buffy: Entoma-who? Giles: Bugs and fairy tales. Buffy: I knew that. Willow: Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night. Giles: The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday? Willow: Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for...Xander's supposed to be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant insect Buffy: So, how'd it go with Miss French? Xander: Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through. Buffy: Okay, um...I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay? Xander: Okay. Buffy: I don't think she's human. Xander: I see. So if she's not human she's...? Buffy: Technically? A big bug. Giles: There was an incident two nights ago...uh, involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded, but, uh, nothing like Dr. Gregory. Buffy: Fork Guy doesn't do heads. Giles: Not historically. Buffy: This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that... Xander: It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous. Buffy: What? Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is "Angel" anyway? Buffy: What does that have to do with... Xander: Nothing! It just kinda bugs me. Natalie: Should I change? Is, is this too... Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest...dress I've ever seen. Natalie: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber! Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive. Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before? Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room? Natalie: You know what I mean. Xander: Oh, that, uh...Well, let me think. Um...Yeah, there was, uh...several! I mean, and, uh, quite a few times...And then there was, uh...Oh, she was incredibly...No. Uh-uh. Natalie: I can tell. Xander: You can? Natalie: Oh, I like it. You might say, I...need it. Xander: Oh! Well, needs should, uh, y'know...Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day, or... Xander: Buffy. I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh? Natalie: Mm-hmm. Xander: Do you hear... Natalie: Would you like to touch me with those hands? Xander: Your hands are sss...really...serrated! Oh, wow, that martini, I...I really think I have to... Giles: Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death! Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're... Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile... Blayne: She, she...she, she takes you outta the cage, and she ties you up, and, and...she...she starts movin', and throbbin', and these eggs come shootin' out of her! And then... Xander: What? Blayne: And then... Xander: Then what? Blayne: She mates with you! Xander: Sheeee... Blayne: That's not the worst part! Xander: That's not? Blayne: You seen her teeth? Right while she's, you know, right in the middle of...I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like that! Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes...I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but...uh...Try to rest, old man. Yes...Ta! Bye now! Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it. Buffy: It being... Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um... Buffy: Giles, while we're young! Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest. Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh...I mean, he's probably... Willow: ...gonna die! Buffy: Okay, okay, so this thing is breeding andwe need to find it and snuff it. Any tips on the snuffing part? Giles: Uh, Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade. Buffy: Slice and Dice. Giles: Well, whatever you do, it had better be certain and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous. Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around. Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night. Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops! Buffy: See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls. And you need to record bat sonar, and fast! Giles: Bat sonar, right. What? Buffy: Bats eat them. The mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey. Giles: Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled. Giles: What now, exactly? We can't just kick the door down. Buffy: Yeah, that would be wrong. Buffy: I'm looking for Miss French. Miss French: I'm Miss French. Buffy: Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher? Miss French: Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972. Buffy: I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere! Miss French: No, dear! I'm right here! Buffy: Come on! Come on, where is she? Which house is it? I know you're afraid of her, I saw you! Come on! Come on. What? What is it? This is her, isn't it, this is her house? This is it! Better than radar! Buffy: Remember Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this! Tape Recording: (Gile's voice)...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically... Buffy: Giles! Giles: I-it's the wrong side! Buffy: Bat sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to Hell. You can go there with it! Giles: Well, I... I'd say it's deceased. Willow: And dissected. Xander: You okay? Buffy: Yeah. Xander: Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you! Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins. Xander: What? Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age... Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not... Giles: Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure. Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day! Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit! Willow: I don't think it's bad, I think it's really...sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again. Angel: I heard a rumor there was, uh, one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself. Buffy: There is. Guess I should thank you for the tip. Angel: Pleasure's mine. prev episode next episode