home wallpapers fan videos icons quotes & sounds screencaps links contact me		Quotes | Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1/Ep3 (3) "The Witch" prev episode next episode Giles: This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this...Cult? Buffy: You don't like the color? Giles: I...Do you, um...Do you ignore everything I say as a, as a rule? Buffy: No, I believe that's your trick. I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad! Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to...wave pompoms at people. And as the Watcher I forbid it. Buffy: And you'll be stopping me how? Giles: Well, I...By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists. Buffy: I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just wanna have a life, I wanna do something normal. Something safe. Willow: Giles didn't approve, huh? Buffy: He totally lost his water. We haven't seen a vampire in over a week. I'd say he should get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old. Willow: Well, we're behind you. Xander: People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this! Xander: Who said I was pretending? Oh, hey! Here's a good luck thing for tryouts. Buffy: What's this? Willow: What's that? Buffy: Oh, how sweet! "Yours Always." Xander: I-i-it came that way, really, they all said that! Willow: Amy! Hi! Amy: Hi! Willow: I didn't know you wanted to be a cheerleader! You lost a lot of weight. Amy: Had to. Buffy: They have cheerleading coaches? Amy: Oh, yeah! Don't you have? I train with my mom, three hours in the morning, three at night. Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide. Buffy: What the...? Willow: That girl's on fire! Cordelia: Enough of the hyperbole! Buffy: I've been slaying vampires for more than a year now, and I have seen some pretty cringeworthy things, but...nobody's hands ever got toasted before. Buffy: So, this isn't a vampire problem. Giles: No. Buffy: But it is funky, right? Not of the norm? Giles: Quite. Spontaneous human combustion is, is rare, and, and scientifically unexplainable, but there have been cases for hundreds of years. Usually all that's left is a pile of ashes. Xander: So, we have no idea what caused this. That's a comfort. Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full. Buffy: Any common denominators in cases of spontaneous combustion? Giles: Uh, rage. In most cases the person who combusted was, was terribly angry or, or upset. Xander: So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire. It's like the human torch, only it hurts. Buffy: I need to get the skinny on Amber. Find out if she's had any colorful episodes before. Willow: That means hacking illegally into the school's computer system. At last, something I can do! Xander: I'll ask around about her. Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved. Xander: What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team? Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes! Buffy: I just don't like putting you guys in danger. Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. Buffy: We had tryouts today. Joyce: Oh, great! How'd it go? Buffy: I didn't actually get to try out. There was an accident. Pretty fierce competition, though. Joyce: Oh, I know you'll do fine. Keep on pluggin', just have to get back on the horse. Buffy: Mom? Joyce: Yeah? Buffy: What was I trying out for? Joyce: Oh, uh...Some activity? I have no idea, I'm sorry. Buffy: That's okay. Your platitudes are good for all occasions. Joyce: You know, it might not physically kill you to give me a hand here. Joyce: Oh, dear. Buffy: What? Joyce: The fertility statue, you don't need to see it Cordelia: You saw that, right? That wasn't me! You saw that, right? Right? Amy: That's my mom! Buffy: No! Catherine Madison. Get down with your bad self! Amy: Her nickname was 'Catherine the Great'. She took that team and made them tri-county champions. Y'know, no one's ever done that before, or since. She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen. They got married right after graduation. Buffy: That's kinda romantic. Amy: Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money. Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was twelve. Buffy: Okay, that part's less romantic. Amy: That's my mom! Buffy: No! Catherine Madison. Get down with your bad self! Amy: Her nickname was 'Catherine the Great'. She took that team and made them tri-county champions. Y'know, no one's ever done that before, or since. She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen. They got married right after graduation. Buffy: That's kinda romantic. Amy: Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money. Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was twelve. Buffy: Okay, that part's less romantic. Willow: Hey, Amy! (to Buffy) Is she okay? Buffy: No, she's, she's wiggin' about her mom, big cheer queen back when. Willow: Yeah, her mom's kinda... Buffy: ...Nazi like? Willow: Heil. If she gains an ounce she padlocks the fridge and won't eat anything but broth. Buffy: So, mommy dearest is really...Mommy Dearest? Willow: There's a bitter streak. But Amy's nice. We used to hang in Junior High. When her mom would go on a broth kick, Amy'd come over to my house and we'd stuff ourselves with brownies! Buffy: Hey, any word on Amber? Willow: Nothing thrilling. Average student. Got detention once, for smoking. Regular smoking...with a cigarette, not, like, being smoky. Cordelia: I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we...wither and die! Amy: Look, I'm sorry about... Cordelia: Shhh! If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry! Have a nice day. Xander: So I'm just a figure of fun. I should ask her out, right? Willow: You won't know till you ask. Xander: That's why you're so cool! You're like a guy! You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff! Willow: Oh, great. I'm a guy. Xander: One of those girls hit me really hard! You should test for steroids. Okay, not only did you make the team, but you, Miss Summers, are the first alternate, and Amy's number three. Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me. Buffy: At least it's over. And you know what I think we should do about it? Brownie pig-out, my house, after school. Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair. Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history? Joyce: Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook! Buffy: Oh, this just in: I'm not you! I'm into my own thing. Joyce: Your own thing, whatever it is, got you kicked out of school, and we had to move here to find a decent school that would take you! Xander: This is the invisible man syndrome. A blessing in Cordelia's case. A curse in Buffy's. Xander: Will, yeah, that is the point, you don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike. I'm gonna take your advice and not beat around the bush. Willow: Or I could be wrong! Maybe you should beat around the bush more. Xander: Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night. That last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. Xander: Okay, into battle I go. Would you ask her out for me? Cordelia: I don't wanna drive today, Mr. Pole. Mr. Pole: You've flunked Driver's Ed. twice already. Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus to college. Giles: Witchcraft. Blinding your enemy to disorient and disable them is, it's classic! Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale. Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia? Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that? Buffy: They're both cheerleaders. Giles: Someone doesn't like cheerleading. Buffy: Or likes it too much. Willow: Amy! Buffy: Amy! Xander: So, you guys are leaning towards Amy? Buffy: Okay, alright, so, you're in high school, you are desperate to make the team and please your mom, so you turn to witchcraft. What's the first thing you're gonna do? Willow: Check out the books on witchcraft! Xander: We don't have a minute! Cheerleaders are in danger. Buffy's in danger. You were the first alternate, you are on the team now that Cordelia's out. You could be next. We gotta get you to a safe house. Willow: "Witches: Historic Roots to Modern Practice." Checked out by Alexander Harris. Buffy: "The Pagan Rites", checked out by Alexander... Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think. Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings? Xander: Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it is what you think Giles: Have you all quite finished? We have to find a conclusive test. There may be something in here...Yes, this should do it. You'll need some of her hair, a little quicksilver and some aqua fortis. Willow: Well, that's just mercury and nitric acid. You can get that in the science lab. Giles: "Heat ingredients and apply to witch, and if a spell has been cast in the previous 48 hours, witch's skin turns blue." Hmm. Oh, and you'll need some Eye of Newt. Buffy: Amy, help me. Um, which is the hydrochloric acid and which is the, uh, ammonium hydroxide? Amy: Well, the bottle that says "hydrochloric acid" is usually the hydrochloric acid. Xander: (to Willow) Wave "Hi" to the nice little witch! Xander: (to Buffy) We're right behind you, only...further back. Xander: Did you see? Amy was as freaked out as the rest of us. Willow: So it's not her? Buffy: The test was positive! She's our Sabrina. I just don't think she realizes what she's doing. Amy: I should be on that team by now. But instead Miss Buffy and friends are sneaking around stealing bits of my hair. Buffy: Macho, macho, man! I want to be a macho man. Macho... Oh, hey, juice! Mm...Quality juice. Not from concentrate! Joyce: You're in a good mood. Buffy: I am! I'm on the squad, which is great, 'cause I feel like cheering and leading others to cheer. Ooo, hey, juice! Joyce: Listen, honey, about yesterday, I really... Buffy: Mm! That is totally yester. Besides, it's not like you were wrong, y'know. I did get kicked outta school. I'm just wacky that way! Joyce: Still, I just want you to know that, despite the problems you've had, I really... Buffy: Mom, you just don't get it. And, believe me, you don't want it. Y'know, there are just some things about being a Vampire Slayer that the older generation... Joyce: A what? Buffy: It's a...long story. Xander: Is it me, or is Buffy a bit looped? Willow: It's not her fault! Xander: She's on medication. Buffy: What? Joy: Well, obviously not enough. Buffy: I just got kicked off the team, didn't I? Xander: I don't think it was your fault. Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend! Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander? Willow: We gotta to get her to a... Xander: Let her speak! Buffy: I'll tell you! You're not like other boys at all. Xander: Well... Buffy: You are totally, and completely one of the girls! (to Willow) I'm that comfy with him. Willow: We've gotta get her to a hospital! Giles: They can't help her. This is a bloodstone vengeance spell. Hits the body hard like a, a quart of alcohol, and then it e-eradicates the, uh, immune system. Xander: Well, how do we reverse the spell? Giles: Well I, I've been researching that, and, uh, we can reverse all the spells if, um...we can just lay our hands on, on Amy's spell book. Willow: And if we can't get a hold of it? Giles: Well, the other way is to cut the witch's head off. Xander: Show of hands! Catherine: Who are you? Wha, um, uh, is there something wrong? Giles: Mrs. Madison, we need to talk to you about your daughter. Catherine: I'm not allow...You'll have to come back later. Giles: This girl is very sick. Now you will shut up and you will listen to me! Your daughter has access to some very powerful magicks, and somehow your obsession with cheerleading has made... Catherine: I don't care about cheerleading! It's not my fault she's doing stuff. Buffy: Are you Amy? Giles: I don't understand. Buffy: She switched! She switched your bodies, didn't she? Buffy: She wanted to relive her glory days. Catherine: She said I was wasting my youth. So she took it. Catherine: I didn't know anything about her powers. I mean, when dad was here they would fight and yell and he would...call her a witch and...I mean, I would, just thought he meant...Oh, God, when he left I wanted to go with him. But she wouldn't even let me call. She went crazy, I mean, she'd lock herself upstairs for days, and she was always coming down on me, telling me I didn't deserve to have it so easy, and that I didn't know...how hard it was to be her, and...I guess she showed me, huh? Giles: Ah! Nice kitty...Let's see what you were guarding. Ah, yes! This is it. Buffy: Did we find? Giles: We found. Come on. Giles: I'm gonna stop this. I promise. You just hang on. Giles: The center is dark. Centrum est obscurus. The darkness breathes. Tenebrae respiratis. The listener hears. Hear me! Unlock the gate. Let the darkness shine. Cover us with holy fear. Show me. Be sated! Release the unworthy! Release! Release!!! Amy: Get out of my way! Willow: W-wait! I-I-I need to talk to you, I-I can help you. Amy: Help me? With what? Willow: Uh, well, y'know, all your witchcraft! I, I know this really good cauldron. Do you actually ride a broom? Catherine: How dare you raise your hand to your mother! I gave you birth. I gave up my life so you could drag that worthless carcass around and call it living? You've never been anything but trouble. I'm going to put you where you can't make trouble again! Buffy: (to Catherine) Guess what? I feel better! Catherine: That body was mine! Mine! Buffy: Oh, grow up! Catherine: I shall look upon my enemy! I shall look upon her and the dark place will have her soul! Corsheth, take her! Giles: Well, that was, um, interesting. Giles: I assume the, uh, all the spells are reversed. It was my first casting, so...I may have got it wrong. Buffy: You saved my life! You were a god! Amy: Well, I didn't think you'd pull it off. Xander: I got her! I got her! Cut her head off! Buffy: Xander, what are you doing? Xander: Saving you? Buffy: Get your hands off of her. Xander: But she's evil. Giles: It wasn't exactly her. Amy: I was my mom. Xander: Oh! Willow: Where is she?! Xander: Uh, hey Willow! It's cool! Willow: It is? Xander: Yeah, I took care of it. Joyce: I've been doing a lot of thinking about... where you're coming from, how to relate to you...and I've come to a very simple conclusion: I don't get it. Buffy: I'm inscrutable, huh? Joyce: You're sixteen. I think there's a, a biological imperative whereby I can't understand you because I'm not sixteen. Buffy: Do you ever wish you could be sixteen again? Joyce: Oh, that's a frightful notion. Go through all that again? Not even if it helped me understand you. Amy: My dad is so impossible! He doesn't ever want me going anywhere! He wants to spend total quantity time together. And I'm, like, "Dad, I can go out, it's perfectly safe!" But he's got all this guilt about leaving me with my mom. And he's being a total pain. Buffy: You're loving it. Amy: Every single minute. Cordelia: Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate. Hold it, wait...No I'm not! Amy: Well, I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms. Cordelia: Ooo, these grapes are sour! Amy: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you wanted to be on the squad. Buffy: Oh, hey, that's okay. Cheerleading's just a little too hairy for me these days. Amy: That's for sure. Amy: I'm just happy to have my body back. I'm thinking of getting fat. Buffy: Y'know, I hear that look's in for spring. prev episode next episode